I’m always in awe of the first responders – police, firefighters, EMTs etc. – who race towards danger while most of us humans are fleeing from it. Their commitment to the communities they have sworn to protect puts them near the heroic level, in my estimation. We should all be grateful for their fearlessness in the face of danger.
This past week I have been listening to the 13 videos associated with the newest version of GriefShare and in the session entitled “Grief and Your Friendships,” one of the men featured in the video talked about a speaker he listened to not long after the death of his son.
This speaker talked about how the friends in our lives, during our grief, fall into three different groups, roughly in thirds.
- The first third are the friends who have no idea what to do with your grief, are likely to disappear, and not helpful in any sense.
- The second third are those who are sometimes helpful and sometimes irritating (his words). Perhaps they pick and choose the circumstances where they’re more comfortable being around you. Other times, it’s just too much for them and they may distance themselves because they, too, don’t always know what to do with us.
- The final third was labeled the “therapeutic third” by this speaker. Let’s spend the rest of our time looking more closely at this group of friends.
First of all, here’s a simple dictionary definition of therapeutic: relating to the healing of disease. Isn’t that interesting? I can tell you from personal experience that from time to time my grief does feel like some kind of disease! I just haven’t quite found the permanent treatment to cure it. At least not in this lifetime.
But let’s look at this in the context of friendships. What characterizes this powerful third?
These are the people who we would likely consider having the gift of mercy. They’re not afraid of stepping into our pain. They will sit with you and either talk or listen – whichever you need in that moment.
They aren’t judgmental or full of advice on how you should be handling your grief. They don’t minimize it, or expect you to get over it … already. They don’t tell you they know exactly how you feel or share “pertinent” scriptures with you that might just make you feel worse.
In short, the therapeutic third gets it. How did they get it?
Some are blessed with it naturally. Others have learned the skill because of their own journey of grief or trials. And yet others cultivate these characteristics because the Bible tells us we must (“mourn with those who mourn”), and they have a heart that is obedient to God.
But before any of that kindness can be lavished on those of us who are grieving, what must happen first?
They have to first run to the fire. The fire that is facing our pain with us. The fire that means they watch us have major meltdowns. The fire that is hearing us cry out to God, “Why?” The potential fire of deep depression. So many fires that these faithful therapeutic friends run towards as they put our safety above their own. I put them in the heroic category of friends.
While acknowledging that we aren’t all those heroic firefighters naturally, I do know that God can equip us to be this kind of friend. He wants us to be the hands and feet of Jesus to this hurting world.
Trust him to create in you the heart of friendship that runs toward the fire.
Bear one another’s burdens,
And so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
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