I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon recently, and it seems to be more prevalent the more we see what seems like increased troubles in our world. There are several past blog posts that address the myriad tragedies all around us, in what appears to be with more and more frequency.
Along with this apparent increase in crises of every kind, I’ve also witnessed this: Regardless of how difficult someone’s circumstances are in the immediate, there’s a tendency to minimize that pain when they compare it to some of the tragedy they see around them. It’s like they don’t have permission to complain or process the situation, or even to grieve it.
- “I know my plumbing problems aren’t nearly as bad as the awful conditions for those poor people in N. Carolina.”
- “I should be grateful that all I’m dealing with is [insert health diagnosis] when my friend just lost her husband.”
- “When I hear about the parents who struggle with their teen’s drug addiction, I shouldn’t complain about some of the discipline issues I have with my own teens.”
Do you see the pattern there? There is a constant comparing of our own situation with one that might be infinitely, or even marginally, more difficult. Of course, the natural tendency is then to minimize our own troubles.
To be fair, there are times when looking at dire circumstances in others’ lives can cause us to “take a beat” and recognize that things certainly could be worse. There’s some value in gaining perspective, and for being grateful that yours might be more manageable.
In the early days after Dale’s death, I would have friends share something they struggled with and then followed up with, “Well, I know it’s not as bad as losing a husband…” To which I would reply, “My pain doesn’t minimize yours.”
Eventually my response to these kinds of statements became what I’ve been saying for years. And it’s what I always tell those who attend the GriefShare sessions I facilitate. As our title says,
“Your pain is your pain.”
It’s absolutely true! In most cases, do you really feel better knowing someone somewhere has it worse than you do?
If our go-to response is to always minimize or deny our own pain, then we aren’t grieving well. The circumstances that cause you physical or emotional pain, or cause you sleepless nights, or cause you financial difficulties, or sorrow or angst or heartache etc. etc. are … real!
I believe it’s healthy to acknowledge the difficulties that assault us in so many ways. These are the times where we turn to God in our pain. I assure you that he doesn’t minimize what you struggle with. He knows intimately what breaks your heart and wants to be a safe place to lament your circumstances. I love what it says in Psalm 34:18—The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
It also tells us in Galatians 6:2, Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. We are to walk alongside those who are hurting. It’s biblical to share these difficult journeys with those who love us.
Comparing our pain to that of another is fruitless in nearly every way. If you think your pain isn’t as bad as others, as we’ve just discussed here, you hinder your own healing process. If you think your pain is worse than others’, then “congratulations,” you’ve just “out-suffered” someone else. Does that really make us feel better. Not likely.
The bottom line is that it’s important for us to be honest about the struggles we find ourselves in, by not minimizing them, and be willing to take them to God, and to those “safe-place” friends who will walk with us through them.
Casting all your anxieties on him,
because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7