Once again this week, I found myself having a meal in a park with friends. It’s not ideal, but it’s actually not a bad substitute. And the more I socialize this way, the less weird it seems!
Our conversation eventually landed on the pandemic and all the associated challenges it has brought into each of our lives. One friend was struggling with the decision to visit her elderly mother in another state, or not. As with so much nowadays, the answers are anything but crystal clear, with risks no matter which direction you decide.
In this case, she obviously doesn’t want to risk exposing her mom to the virus given her advanced age, although my friend does not have it. And yet, her mom is also struggling with the isolation brought on by the pandemic and a visit from her daughter could be a huge mental boost for her. Not to mention an opportunity for mother and daughter to reconnect when, as we all know, we are not promised tomorrow.
How to know? At a minimum, it’s complicated. There will be strong feelings on both sides of this dilemma. Have you noticed that’s pretty much the norm for EVERY issue associated with the pandemic? So very polarizing. So my simple advice is usually to follow your heart. Ask God for guidance if you’re struggling with which way to go.
While the three of us did not land on a final answer, it did lead to a related discussion about regrets. Somewhere in a past blog, I made the statement, “Anything that could become a regret after a loved one’s death, can be turned into a precious memory if you act upon it now.”
One of the most powerful examples comes from a career decision Dale and I made years ago. Because of the 20-year age difference, I knew I didn’t want to work until full retirement age and take the chance that he would die before I reached it.
So, at the age of 45, at the peak of my wage-earning years, I retired after 20-plus years in the corporate world. Bold move? Perhaps, but our goal was to have as much quality time together as we could. Of course I missed the generous salary I gave up. But, oh my, did I gain so much more.
Those 10 years together, before we moved off the acreage into town, were the best and most precious of our lives. Even though I was working a couple of part-time jobs, we still had ample time together. We worked in partnership on the acreage we loved. We OFTEN went on dinner dates to Gino’s restaurant. We went golfing together. We saw every movie that looked interesting. We enjoyed short and extended vacations during these years. Our relationship deepened even more.
We made…MEMORIES! And it is these exact memories that often sustain me on this hard road of widowhood.
What if we hadn’t made that early-retirement decision? What if I had continued working 60-plus hour weeks and traveling regularly? What if I was STILL working at age 60 when he died?
MAJOR regrets. “If I had only…”
Hence my statement, worth repeating, “Anything that could become a regret after a loved one’s death, can be turned into a previous memory if you act now.”
And honestly, it doesn’t have to be a death that terminates your opportunities. It could be a move out of state or the neighborhood. It could be the end of a gathering of friends. It could be a child who heads off to college. The possibilities really are endless.
But if those opportunities come to an end, and you have not acted upon them, you are setting yourself up for regrets somewhere down the road. And I can’t emphasize strongly enough the vast differences between long-term, agonizing regrets and soul-quenching, precious memories.
Back to my friend – does it make sense for her to factor this in while making her decision? Maybe. Maybe not. This one requires much weighing of risks and rewards. Ultimately, it’s her call.
But if you have something you can act upon today – like reaching out to someone, or mending a fence, or confirming your love for them – today may be the time to do so.
Next week we’ll take a look at how we can move forward if we have regrets and there will never be an opportunity to rectify them. All is not lost! Stay tuned.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:21
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