This question arises time and time again as I speak to groups or have countless one-on-one conversations about how to help a hurting friend.
Recently I was speaking to a women’s group in the Des Moines area and the issue was raised once again. Essentially, how do I get my loved one/friend out of the pit they have been in for so long, and help them start living again?
It is a reasonable question and comes from a heart that wants this friend to live a happier, healthier life in spite of their trial.
One caveat before I take a closer look at this. If you truly believe your friend or loved one is suffering from a deep, clinical depression, and could be, or soon become suicidal, don’t take chances with that. Enlist the guidance of a pastor, counselor or other trusted friend or family member. This is more complicated than I can address here, but it is a real concern in the world of grieving.
Yes, watch for it, but be careful that you don’t throw everyone into this category just because they are deeply grieving their loss. THAT is to be expected.
So, back to the question at hand. When I’m asked this question, I struggle a bit to give the answer that I feel I must. What’s expected from the question poser is likely an answer that includes statements such as these:
- Tell them that enough time has passed now, and they really should be getting past this stage and start moving on.
- Remind them of all the good things they have in their life, so they won’t feel so badly about their loss.
- Tell them about so-and-so who had a [more?] devastating loss and share how well they’re doing now. (As if you REALLY know that…)
- Tell them you just want them to stop hurting. (True, but out of the griever’s control, AND not fair to put the responsibility for your hurt or discomfort on them.)
At the risk of sounding blunt, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and WRONG. As much as these statements might be true and as much as you want your friend to be out of this pit, here are the reasons why I would highly caution against using this approach.
- You are not the expert on when enough time has passed that your friend can start climbing out of that pit.
- Their grief journey is so highly unique that you don’t have a clear vision of what they’re experiencing.
- Your friend does NOT want you to try and “fix” them. Or move them out of their pit when they aren’t ready to take that step. And trying to fix them may just cause them to dig deeper into that pit.
- Sometimes the very best we can do is move FORWARD with our pain. Seldom can we truly move on.
- We don’t have the right to dictate how someone grieves their loss. In the past couple of years, I have talked with other grievers who are handling their grief much differently than I am. And I too, can be tempted to try and help them see the “error” of their ways, but here’s the truth:
- It’s the griever’s choice as to how they work through their pain, whether you agree with it or not.
So, what then CAN we offer to them?
- Continue to pray for your friend – that God would bring them to a place of healing. We often say, “All I can do is pray…” as if it’s a minimal last-ditch effort. Do not forget how powerful God is, and prayer is how we tap into that power for our friend. And remember that God isn’t wasting their pain – He’s using it in more ways than we can ever know. Trust God with this.
- Let them know you still hurt for them – Grief acknowledgment, for as long as it takes, is a powerful gift to your friend. Love them through it.
- Listen! – I’m like a broken record on this issue! But its power is undeniable in the life of a griever. Even if you’ve heard the details of their struggle before, still listen without judgment and without correction.
- Make the conscious effort to put their pain above your discomfort – I fully acknowledge how HARD it is to be around someone who is hurting, especially if you truly believe they should be beyond this stage by now. But, trust me, going through a devastating loss is infinitely more difficult than being next to it.
By offering this more gentle, compassionate approach to your loved one, you become a safe place for them to land during one of the hardest times of their lives. When they’re ready, YOU may be the one they turn to for help climbing out of that pit, and beginning to move forward.
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
Leave a Reply