Back in 1992, a very popular book entitled, “The Five Love Languages” was published by Gary Chapman. He was an author, Baptist preacher and relationship counselor. He proposed that people both express and receive love in different ways and identified five primary “love languages.”
- Words of affirmation – Expressing love through spoken or written appreciation, compliments, and encouragement.
- Quality time – Showing love by giving undivided attention and meaningful engagement.
- Receiving gifts – Using thoughtful gifts as symbols of affection and care.
- Acts of service – Doing helpful tasks or favors to make your partner’s life easier.
- Physical touch – Communicating love through physical contact like hugs, holding hands, or affectionate touch.
Despite its popularity, and even though I thought he hit on some helpful relationship insights, I have never read the book. Pretty sure Dale would not have read it either!
However, over the years, people have asked me what I thought my love language was. Each time they asked and listed off the five choices, my answer was always, “All of them.” It’s the only way I’ve ever qualified as a multi-linguist!
Switching now from humans to canines, enter little Miss Mimi, my sweet Frenchie, rescued from the mean streets of Iowa City – literally.
If you know anything about this breed, you are aware that one of their core breed traits is affection. Non-stop, over-the-top, in-your-face, on-your-lap Velcro affection. It’s one of the reasons I’m in love with this breed.
Mimi came to me as a “nibbler.” Not on toys or food, mind you, but on my fingers. It’s not at all uncommon and is often called “cobbing” like nibbling corn on the cob.
It’s clearly the way she was expressing devotion to me and a way of saying, “You’re safe; you’re mine; I feel connected to you.”
That’s all well and good except…I didn’t want a dog that would be nibbling on my guests’ fingers!
So, my plan in those first training months was to redirect her from the nibbling to something I consider more appropriate.
I would tell her, “No biting!” and then say, “Give Mommy a kiss” and make some cute kissy noises! It didn’t take long before she caught onto this “affection redirection.” Smart girl.
Of course, there is still some occasional nibbling with me and a lot with her sister, Maisy. But overall, she does a great job.
In fact, she does too great a job! To say I am constantly inundated with puppy kisses would be an understatement. I often find myself saying to her, “That’s enough!”
But what I have begun to realize is that this sweet girl simply must show affection! I’ve already taken away her original, most natural choice, and now I was limiting the approach I taught her!
Ugh – what to do? Really, there’s only one answer when you love your pets as much as I do, and have a pet who is a big-time lover at heart. You let them show affection.
Denying her the ability to show love would strip her of her joy. It would ask her to be someone she’s not. (My apologies to those of you who aren’t fans of puppy kisses. I still try to control her when company comes over!)
So now switching back from canines to humans – how quick are we, am I, to dismiss someone’s preferred way of showing affection to us. And I’m not just speaking romantic love languages here. I’m asking all of us whether we consider how our parents, siblings, children, friends etc. show affection to us.
From a widow’s perspective – and because, as I’ve admitted, I want all five love languages – it was a short trip to unrealistic expectations.
In those emotionally raw, early days after Dale’s death, I wanted to soak up every form of love my friends could offer to me. And even better if all of them could have done in in all five languages!
Can you say, again, unrealistic expectations?
Since those days, I’ve certainly gained a more realistic perspective and have learned to temper those expectations with more grace. It’s not okay to assume others feel loved the same way I do. So of course they will show it in the way they understand best.
But my tendency still exists and this precious lesson through Mimi was a reminder to recognize, even more clearly, the ways my friends show up for me.
What might this look like outside of the romantic realm – in friendship?
- Words of Affirmation
• Texting encouragement before a hard meeting
• Sending “I’m proud of you” messages
• Publicly affirming you in a group
• Remembering and naming your strengths
• Writing thoughtful birthday cards - Quality Time
• Scheduling regular coffee dates
• Sitting with you when you’re grieving
• Taking a long walk just to talk
• Turning their phone face down while you share
• Showing up physically at important moments - Acts of Service
• Bringing a meal after surgery
• Watching your kids in a pinch
• Helping you move
• Running errands when you’re overwhelmed
• Researching something for you because you’re stressed - Receiving (or Giving) Gifts
• Dropping off your favorite coffee “just because”
• Mailing a small surprise
• Picking up something that reminded them of you
• Giving a meaningful book with a note inside - Physical Touch
• Long hugs
• Sitting close during a hard conversation
• Holding your hand at a funeral
• A reassuring squeeze on the shoulder
My prayer is that, like the affection I want to receive, I will find ways to bless my friends in all languages! And I will be grateful for however they express their devotion to me.
Based on Maisy expression, I have some work to do with her in the area of grace and acceptance!
Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Thessalonians 5:11