Now and then, I almost feel the need to apologize to you, my readers, for living my life out loud — through all its ups and downs. I’ve never aspired to be a “reality show,” but sometimes the most lasting lessons come only by living them.
So, thank you for joining me for one more reflection on what I’m learning through this large fundraising project I’ve undertaken.
You’ve read about the battle songs God has given me — even before the battles began — and about the two realities I’ve had to keep front and center: the Enemy is attacking me during this project, and God is sovereign over it all.
I don’t know if I simply grew weary of feeling the constant undercurrent of panic over all the ways this could fail, or if God finally broke through and showed me how He wanted me to walk through this season. But last week was a turning point, and I pray that the shift He brought to my heart might speak to you if you’re walking through your own season of angst or uncertainty.
This was the “thought journey” and attitude adjustment I experienced early last week:
- I was weary of living with unhealthy, unhelpful emotions — certain that wasn’t how God wanted me to experience this.
- Even though I’d acknowledged those two truths (Enemy attacks vs. God’s sovereignty), they had stayed mostly in my head rather than sinking into my heart.
- I began cataloging all the ways God has been faithful — not just to this nonprofit I chair, but specifically to this fundraiser.
- That reflection led me to rest in the high likelihood that God would bring every moving piece together — even the unresolved ones — to His pre-ordained, glorious result.
- Wait a minute, you might say. What if this isn’t God’s plan for success? What if He wants to teach us through failure?
- Bingo! That was the spot where I had been stuck. We all know God doesn’t answer every prayer the way we hope — and yes, sometimes the deepest lessons come through disappointment. But why did I choose to dwell there?
- As the analytical thinker I am (not always the best method for understanding God’s ways!), I decided to lay out what I knew to be true — not just the original two truths, but more:
- I revisited every single moment when God moved in ways that took my breath away — prayers answered before I even knew to pray them. Essentially, I laid out God’s faithful track record!
- I reminded myself that, because of those fulfilled promises, it’s clear God is at work in this process. This is Kingdom work!
- With those truths in place, I asked, What heart posture should I maintain through this, regardless of what’s happening in the moment?
- How would God most want me to walk through uncertainty and setbacks? In fear? In worry over all the ways it could fail? Or in trust and gratitude?
- That’s when it became clear: what I needed — and what I prayed for — was expectant joy.
- I made a conscious commitment to live these days with joyful expectation — excited to see the creative, surprising ways God will provide and resolve things none of us could imagine. I want to live anticipating the moment when we look back and say, “Look what God has done!”
Since making that choice, He’s been faithful to steady my heart. Moments of panic still try to sneak in, but they fade quickly when I refocus on the joy of what’s ahead.
And here’s a little side note: those “battle songs” that used to play constantly — sometimes all three in a single day — have quieted. This past week, I’ve only heard one of them. I don’t think that’s coincidence. It’s not that God stopped reminding me He fights for me; it’s that He’s teaching me that expectant joy is its own kind of strength.
If any of this resonates with you, I hope you’ll find your own version of expectant joy in the middle of whatever battle you face. That’s the purpose of this blog — to pass along the lessons God is teaching me, in case they’re the very reminders someone else needs.
May you, too, find expectant joy regardless of your circumstances.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear
but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)