I realized, as I started writing this post, how often I go to dictionary.com or a similar source to define a term I’m using.  Most often, it’s because I have a slightly different bent to the usage and I want to make sure we’re all on the same page.

Such is the case with this post concerning the word “hack.”  I had to dig pretty deeply into all the definitions to find the one that fits my scenario.  (I definitely didn’t want you to think I was doing anything illegal or nefarious with my limited computer skills!)  Here you go:

“a clever tip or technique for doing or improving something”

Lots of leeway there, right?  There’s a bit of set-up for the storyline before I share the “hack revelation” I experienced.

This past week, a dear friend of mine had to put her beloved guinea pig pet to sleep because of some widespread, fast-growing, untreatable cancer.  She had been part of her life for 6 years and was her constant companion.  Adding to the heartache was the fact that she was on the opposite coast from her home when this heart wrenching decision had to be made.

Her son and daughter-in-law were kind enough to  step in to do the hard work of making that dreaded trip to the vet.  They FaceTimed the whole process so my friend could feel as close to her pet as possible during this defining moment, given the thousands of miles that separated them.

And like so many of us who have lost people or pets we love, the aftermath included thoughts on whether she could have done more.  Should she have made that cross-country trip to be there in those final moments?

No way to really know, and there’s usually not much to be gained by playing the “what-if-only” game.  And yet, most of us do.

As a brief rabbit trail, I want to share with you a text I sent to my friend as she was struggling with her decision to stay put, rather than make the long trip home. 

Somehow, I felt that God gave me this perspective to pass along to my friend.  Honestly, I’d never had this exact thought before, but it was just what she needed in those hard moments.

“If God knows from eternity past when we will die, perhaps the same could be true for our beloved pets.  He is sovereign over all his creation.  He knows when a sparrow falls from the sky.  Maybe that thought can ease some of your guilt.  I’ll pray that would be true for you.”

Now to the actual topic at hand – the empathy hack!

Since I have never owned a guinea pig, and know very little about what they’re like as a pet, other than a few visits to my friend’s house, I couldn’t fully grasp what she was feeling in those hard moments.

You may recall that I had to put my sweet Daisy girl down about a year ago under very similar circumstances.  Fast-growing, inoperable, incurable cancer.  Heartbreaking in every sense of the word.

So as I was praying for her and her family, that’s where my mind went.  I revisited those horrible moments when I realized I was going to have to make that gut wrenching decision myself.  It was midnight in the parking lot of the emergency vet clinic.  I’m still grieving that loss.

Comprehending the full weight of her pain because of my own similar circumstances allowed me to enter more fully into the role of empathetic friend to her.  I didn’t consciously make that decision, but I realized it brought me into a deeper understanding of her pain.

And it caused me to do a little evaluation of just what types of responses we can have to someone who is grieving something we may have little understanding of.  Here are three different approaches for your consideration.

Apathy – “It can’t be that bad.  After all, it’s just a [fill in the blank].”  Or, “It can’t be as bad as what I went through.” Yes, we can easily start judging and making comparisons, often resulting in a complete lack of compassion, when we don’t understand the depth of someone’s loss.  We minimize it or, worse still, we walk away from it.

Sympathy – Even if we’ve not suffered a similar loss, we can still have a sense of how deep the suffering is for someone in their time of sorrow.  As I’ve suggested before, when someone tells you how profoundly they’re hurting, just believe them, even if you don’t understand it.  I’ll take this any day.

Empathy – This is the gold standard of showing compassion.  Perhaps you have walked a very similar road as your friend who is grieving.  Then it’s much easier to step in with a truly empathetic heart.  But beware, do NOT say, “I know exactly how you feel.”  That’s not helpful. 

If you cannot grasp the depth of their pain because you’ve simply not experienced a loss such as theirs, then I suggest this empathy hack.  Go back to one of your own deepest losses, and recall how you felt during those dark days.  Take that remembrance and apply it to your hurting friend.  Let your words of comfort come from this perspective, and I believe you’ll both be blessed by it.

“A friend loves at all times…”

Proverbs 17:17