This past Saturday, I led a workshop at my church entitled “Cultivating Compassion.” Yep, same title as my first book because the subject matter was the same.

I first started speaking on this subject (how to become a more effective and confidence support to those who are going through a loss) about six years ago. But it has always been very near and dear to my heart, and was the reason God initially called me into this grief ministry.

But over time, I haven’t shared as much on that topic through this blog. Granted, God does give me the subject matter each week so I know all these posts were under his guidance. But this week he firmly laid on my heart that it was time to address the subject once again, and in this setting.

I freely acknowledge that one of the reasons I feel so passionate about this is because I did virtually everything wrong for so many years. In many cases, I truly believed I was helping the grieving person. Other times, I knew I wasn’t stepping up to the plate as I should, even disappearing completely at times.

Here is the message God laid on my heart – and is now my compassion challenge to each of you:

Even with the best of intentions, if you knew that much or even most of what you say to someone who is grieving is actually hurtful, would you be open to learning a better way?

My challenge will be to present this in a way that is helpful to you!

So, let’s take a shot at this and see if your open heart and mind will help you be a compassionate friend to those who are hurting.

What not to say:

• “I know exactly how you feel.” Actually, you don’t. Everyone’s grief journey is unique and it’s hurtful if we try to equate our pain with theirs. Only God knows exactly how they feel. And making a comparison of your pain to theirs can be hurtful if that comparison feels very out of balance to the hurting person.
• “Well, at least …” This inadvertently says, “You shouldn’t feel so badly because at least you have … [this]. It’s often our attempt to make them feel better by pointing out what might be a silver lining in their loss. Unfortunately the result is that it minimizes their pain. Solution – never start a sentence this way!
• “You need to …” Our attempt to step in as a counselor, therapist or medical doctor. Telling them what they should do to start the healing process. Move on, see a doctor, get out more, start dating, eat more etc. etc. It’s not our job to tell them what to do, especially if we haven’t walked in their shoes.
• Platitudes “God needed another angel. God only takes the best. God won’t give you more than you can handle. Your loved one would want you to move on.” And many more. Honestly, they aren’t helpful and often aren’t biblical. Avoid them all together.
• Scripture Always true. Always helpful. But maybe not at this time. “All things work together for good …” can do more harm than good in the wrong context. Be discerning and check your motive. Is your motive possibly because you are struggling with their pain, and want to help eliminate it?
• “If you need anything, let me know.” You’re shocked, right? We’ve all done it, and we have the best of intentions. But the widows group in my church ranked this as the #1 thing they didn’t want to hear. Not enough space to cover this adequately, but here’s the bottom line. Rather than putting all the responsibility for the “reaching out” on the hurting person, be the one who calls and offers a specific way to help them.

Before I went through the deep loss of losing my husband, I did every single one of these “don’ts.” And yes, I truly thought I was doing the right thing. On this side of my grief, I also experienced hurt from every single one of these. From people who also thought they were helping.

It’s a bit mind-blowing, isn’t it? To think that we can get something so incredibly important (bringing comfort to a grieving soul) so incredibly wrong, even with the best of intentions.

So, are you ready to take up that challenge? Willing to admit that there just might be a better way?

I wish it hadn’t taken the loss of my husband to open up my eyes to this reality. Do better than I did. Be better than I was. Your hurting friends will be deeply grateful for it.

While I rarely use this platform to promote my books (other than when they’re first published), I want to offer “Cultivating Compassion” to you at half price ($4.99) for the next few weeks. It will fill in a lot of the gaps if you’re trying to understand more about how to do this incredibly important job well.

Click here to get your copy. Then go be a blessing to your grieving friend!

Bear one another’s burdens,

and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2