I recently took a break from my usual crime and mystery novels and actually read a book that gave me some spiritual insights! I just finished reading Max Lucado’s “How Happiness Happens.” There was lots of good advice and great insights throughout the book, but one chapter in particular got my attention. And it made me realize that I’ve had a gaping hole in a part of my grief ministry message that has always felt intact. This chapter will help me right that wrong.
But before I share that with you, I want to reaffirm the pieces that I still believe are correct and helpful as we step into another person’s pain and heartache. As you read through this post, be reminded that these aren’t principles and scriptures geared only for those going through loss by death. There are so many other ways to grieve, and I encourage you to view this through the lens of your own circumstances.
So please allow me to do a basic review which should help you see how this new revelation from Mr. Lucado completes the circle of advice.
Acknowledge and Validate
One of the most powerful gifts you can give to a grieving person is to acknowledge the reality of their loss. Ignoring it is one of the most painful. Simple statements such as, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this painful loss.” Or, if someone tells me they shouldn’t feel the way they do, I’ll counter that with, “Of course you will feel like that! You just lost your________!” We need to know that the way we’re processing our grief is in the “normal” range. Well, good news. Nearly every way someone grieves is in the range. Grieve however you need to.
Be Discerning with Scripture
Sometimes, when we have no idea what to say to a grieving person, we try to fill in the silence with mostly not helpful platitudes. Or, as Christians, we often want to apply some scriptural truth to the hurting situation. In my ministry, I highly encourage discernment as to if or when some scripture should be shared. For example, sharing the Romans 8:28 text about how “all things work together for good…” could be the LAST thing someone wants to hear if they’ve just been dealt a devastating blow. And scriptures about how this massive loss is part of God’s will for their life could set them back a few hundred steps in their spiritual walk. Yes, both texts are absolutely true, but the timing may be absolutely wrong.
I still fully stand behind those two strong suggestions. I felt like they gave people a full tool box in the world of compassion.
That is, until I read chapter nine of Lucado’s book, entitled “Speak Up.” The scriptural basis for this chapter came from Colossians 3:16 which says:
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
This paragraph from the book helped me see what was sorely missing in my quest to teach compassion:
“Admonishment is high-octane encouragement. The word literally means ‘putting in mind.’ To admonish is to deposit truth into a person’s thoughts. It might take the form of discipline, encouragement, or affirmation. It may be commendation or correction. Above all, admonishment is truth spoken into a difficult circumstance. It inserts the chlorine table of veracity into the algae of difficulty. Admonishment speaks up.”
I had been so focused on avoiding scripture that could add hurt to an already hurting person, that I was missing the opportunity to speak appropriate and timely scripture into the griever’s heart and mind.
I was missing a crucial scriptural element. Oh yes, it’s still important to have discernment as to what could be unsuitable for this stage of their grieving. But there are SO many scriptures that can and should be shared. These are just a few of the scriptures that were personally encouraging for me, even in the early days of my heartache.
- You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? (Psalm 56:8)
- The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
- Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
- When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. (Isaiah 43:2)
- Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16)
These scriptures do not tell us that we shouldn’t grieve. They don’t make light of our heartache. They REMIND us of the love and compassion and sovereignty and presence of a holy and powerful God.
When someone is feeling like they can’t make it to the next day. When they’re certain that God has turned his back on them. When they struggle with the “what ifs” and “If onlys” of their loved one’s death, or other heartache. When they feel completely alone in this battle. THAT’S when we step in, with God’s guidance, to admonish them with the power of his Word.
I feel a renewed commitment to speaking scriptural truth, appropriate for the person and the situation. I don’t want to avoid scripture as my first “go-to” response because I’m too focused on eliminating what might be hurtful. I want to use God’s Word as it was intended – for encouragement. I pray God helps me to be faithful in this new endeavor.
If any of you struggle with this, or have a specific situation that you need insights into, I would welcome a message from you and will do my best to help you through it.
With God’s help, we can all be more complete comforters because we are infusing God’s promises into the hearts of those who need them the most.
…admonishing one another in all wisdom…
Colossians 3:16