I had a conversation recently that reminded me of an important grieving topic – triggers. And to be clear, I’m not talking about Roy Rogers horses through the years or parts of guns.

The triggers I’m talking about today are those dates or events or memories or conversations or pictures or ANYTHING that cause the pain of losing a loved one to come crashing back into our lives.  They can be anticipated such as a death anniversary, birthday, holiday, or other special date. Or the trigger can be completely random and “out of the blue.”

Stay tuned for the lessons at the end, but know that I’m speaking not only to the grieving person here, but also to the infamous support system of that grieving person.

I recently had a start-your-day conversation with a good friend, (named Susie of course), as we always do before we set off into the schedule for our days. An hour or so later, I phoned her because of something I forgot to tell her. She shared with me that she had just had a really good cry. “What happened?” I asked her.

A bit of background – she lost her mom and a dear sister within about a month of each other a little over three years ago. Her sister was a quilter and had purchased some material for a quilt that she was never able to start, let alone finish, because of the cancer that took her. So Susie generously donated the material to a small, country church near their hometown, knowing that they were always looking for ways to raise funds for their church, often through crafts.

Susie went back to her grief and the rest of her life, and never thought about this quilt material again. That is, until a lady from the country church sent her a couple of pictures of the FINISHED quilt. And immediately, the flood gate of tears opened up and Susie found herself with tears streaming down her cheeks, overcome with heartache at this memory from over three years ago.

I teared up as she was telling me about this because I completely understand how these kinds of triggers can absolutely knock us on our butts. The quilt was beautiful and Susie plans to pay the church for it and bring that precious memory into her home.

This trigger makes complete sense because the quilt represents a part of what made Susie’s sister so special. And the finished product was a reminder of what her sister was never given the chance to complete, and why. The visceral reaction to this trigger is understandable, even though it caught Susie completely off guard.

 A year or so ago, I had an unexpected trigger as well. I’ve mentioned it before because it’s a little humorous and so very different from the type of trigger Susie experienced.

It was a TV commercial for a metal outbuilding – known as a Morton building or a Butler building.  You know the kind. Not really a barn, but we called it that. So, this commercial took me immediately back to the days, 20 years ago, when we were getting ready to build the house, and this outbuilding, on our last acreage.

But it wasn’t just a memory of the actual building process; it was a memory of how I felt during that season of our lives.  We were so excited about our new location and home. Dale hadn’t been diagnosed with vascular dementia yet. Life was grand!  This outbuilding commercial was MY trigger that brought immediate tears just as it did for Susie.

So now the teaching moments. 

For those of you grieving a deep loss, please know that the expected triggers and the UNEXPECTED triggers are part of this journey. Maybe they come three days after your loved one’s death. Maybe they come 30 years after.  It may not matter. They can still surprise you with the intensity with which they hit you – and with the depth of the pain they cause.

Hear me on this.  You aren’t weird. You aren’t weak. You aren’t abnormal. You are grieving. Perhaps forever. This is what it looks like…and I’m sorry it does.

For those of you with friends who are grieving a deep loss, know that these triggers may affect us for years. Even if you don’t understand why they’re so powerful and persistent, just trust us when we tell you that they are.

Please don’t tell us it’s time to move on. Or that we should be “over this” by now. Don’t do a literal or figurative eye roll. And do your best to show compassion no matter how much time has passed. You can’t know how powerful that is and how critical it is to keep us from feeling weird, or weak, or abnormal.  We’re STILL grieving.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4