I was visiting with a fellow widow friend recently and she shared with me a conversation she’d had with a male friend.  She has been crystal clear with him that she has no intention of remarrying, and thought they were both on the same page.

Much like yours truly, she had a husband she adored and who adored her. They had a great marriage.  He’s been gone now for six years; Dale gone for 8 ½.

We’ve also both said that, despite no desire to tie the knot at this stage of our lives, we do know that if God wanted that to be part of our journey, he would need to make it abundantly clear.  As I’ve often said, “God would need to hit me over the head with a divine 2×4!”

But back to her conversation with her gentleman friend. When she recently attempted to reconfirm that their relationship was still platonic, he indicated that he “could fall in love” with her.  Yikes!

Here’s the most concerning part, and what raised a major red flag for me.  He told her he hoped she could one day put down her walls and let someone into her life who would love her.

What!?!  I don’t even know where to start on all the ways that this is so wrong.  What made this even more troubling is the way my friend questioned whether he might be right.  Does she really have walls put up in her life?

This is a woman who is active in so many ways – with multiple exercise routines, time with friends and family, and a desire to be of service to others who need her help.  She is transparent in our conversations, and always open to learning more about many topics. 

So I immediately assured her that she did NOT put up walls and for that man to make the giant leap from “I’m not interested in remarrying” to “you’re closing people out of your life” was, at a minimum, misinformed, and at worst, cruel and judgmental.

Hence this teaching opportunity for you faithful readers!  I know, I’ve talked about this before, but there is an underlying current in our couples-oriented society today that subtly or overtly (as her friend did) relegates singles to a slightly lower social class—something in need of ‘fixing.’

Whether widowed, divorced, or never married, the message is the same: this situation should be rectified…preferably through marriage.

Without getting into all the different scripture texts, primarily letters from the Apostle Paul, that discuss the (re)marriage question, here’s where the Bible lands on this whole topic.

Paul states that those who remain single can be more focused on serving God in various ways.  Those who are married have many other obligations with their family.

However, young people will surely consider marriage, and he encourages anyone to get married rather than burn with passion!

He isn’t saying either marriage or singleness is bad.  Nor am I.  I loved being married to Dale.  But this season of my life is markedly different.

God has clearly called me to this grief ministry, and my focus would be seriously compromised if I began dating and ultimately chose to get married.

The point I’m trying to make is that our lives consist of seasons, and our marital status can and does change with those seasons.

To suggest that the “remedy” for us singletons is always marriage is short-sighted, judgmental and just plain wrong.

So let’s discuss the difference between erecting walls and establishing boundaries. 

Building walls indicates elements of fear, isolation and perhaps even depression. 

Setting boundaries is often one of the healthiest steps someone can take—not only when a relationship turns toxic, but when it begins to pull us away from what we know we are called to.

After all is said and done, the bottom line is this: God’s calling on our lives (which will change with the seasons) is ultimately what determines our marital status. 

So far, he hasn’t called me or my friend into the dating scene.  And we’re both quite fulfilled without it.

My lesson for anyone who feels marriage is the cure-all for singleness is this:

Acknowledge that God truly does not call everyone into a marriage relationship, and that superimposing that requirement on anyone who is single can be hurtful. 

And as was the case with my friend, that kind of judgement can reenforce the stereotype that we’re not enough, or “we’re putting up walls.”

Be kind.  Celebrate with us in whatever capacity God has called us.

Thanks for sitting through yet another lesson on how to deal with us pesky, awkward widows!

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him[her],

and to which God has called him[her].

1 Corinthians 7:17