I was chatting on the phone with a church friend last night and we were discussing how difficult it must be for those who have loved ones in the hospital right now – whether it be from COVID-19 or another illness. Hospitals are sending family members home right and left with little or no chance to come back during this outbreak.
That alone would be difficult, but what if your loved one was DYING? And you still couldn’t go see them? WOW! I can’t even imagine how heart wrenching that would be. No opportunity to provide comfort. No hand holding. And if they couldn’t communicate via phone? No scripture reading. No opportunity for forgiveness on either part. No chance to tell them how much they mean to you and how much you love them. No real “good-byes.”
Now, granted we don’t all get the opportunity to say good-bye to our loved ones before they die. I didn’t. At least not right before his death. So, of course, a sudden death brings its own set of difficulties. But to know your loved one is facing death – and you aren’t given those precious last moments with them. Add to that, the fact that you likely cannot have a near-term memorial service for them where you and your family and friends can grieve through this together. Pain upon pain.
I have no words for that.
Except maybe I do! I’m trying to offer up some suggestions should you have a situation where a friend is going through this exact scenario.
MOST of the advice isn’t much different from what I’ve shared for months on this site and with anyone who will talk to me about this!
So, let me recap some of the most important ways you can comfort this ultra-hurting friend.
- NEVER disappear from their lives during their hardest days.
- Acknowledge how difficult this must be for them.
- Don’t minimize their situation by saying, “Well, at least…”
- Offer SPECIFIC helps, not “If you need anything, let me know.” They likely can’t.
- LISTEN with a non-judgmental ear as they process through their grief and frustrations.
- Don’t try to fix them or move them through their pain at YOUR pace.
- Don’t be afraid of their tears. Cry with them.
- CONTINUE to be there for them, long after the death – especially since their memorial may be weeks or months down the road.
Now a few extra coronavirus suggestions:
- Whatever emotions they may have gone through with a “normal” death, the isolation of this loss raises the depth of pain exponentially.
- They are very likely already exhausted by the uncertainty of this pandemic. Consider how you feel even if you don’t have any loved ones sick or dying in isolation. It’s still a very unsettling time at best and panic-filled at worst. Adding this death to the mix may be almost more than they can bear. Be prepared to give deeper, longer-lasting support.
- Your comfort may need to come in other formats – FaceTime, notes in the mail, social media. Consider sending encouraging gifts through the mail. Have a meal delivered. In short, don’t let the social distancing mean you stop “being there” for them.
- Know that, regardless of whom they’ve lost, this journey will be unique in part because of the circumstances surrounding it. Do not say, “I know exactly how you feel. I felt like this when…” That’s good advice any time, but especially true when a loved one dies in isolation. Chances are virtually none of us has experienced that.
- “Pray without ceasing” (I Thess. 5:17) for God to guide you as you help this friend. And that He would be “closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24) to them.
I continue to pray for our world as we all struggle with the realities of this pandemic. As a believer, I want to be a light in this darkness, and spread the hope we have in Jesus, regardless of circumstances. God knows what He’s doing. Trust him.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21