Tomorrow marks two years since I lost Dale. Ironically, he isn’t actually lost. I know he’s enjoying perfection in Heaven and for that I’m enormously grateful.
There are SO many directions I could take with this post. So much to share in the two years since my world changed. I want to be true to the purpose of this ministry – which is in great part to enlighten, educate and encourage people as they strive to help their hurting friend.
But part of that process is to also understand more fully what someone is experiencing in their grief or pain. So I will attempt to address both goals.
First, the personal side of things. It absolutely blows my mind that Dale has been gone for two years. So often, it seems like yesterday. And, honestly? Sometimes it feels like I haven’t really healed much at all.
Oh sure, I might look pretty normal if you see me on the street, but I’m still raw on the inside. Every day still includes sadness and loneliness, and tears still come almost daily.
And yet, I am functioning most of the time. You know the usual – eating, sleeping, exercising, socializing, praying. I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned through this trial, and for how I’ve seen God so clearly move. This ministry gives me a purpose that I wouldn’t have if Dale was still alive. Interesting trade-off, isn’t it?
That’s really all the space I want to devote to my personal journey over the past two years.
What I’d rather do, is give my readers a visual that helps illustrate how the long-term healing process works. And in my case, it’s widowhood.
Hence, the title – Scars vs. Scabs. Sounds like a medical flag football game, doesn’t it? Yuck!
We often hear about the scars someone bears from emotional traumas. And we also talk about broken hearts healing over time. Even with complete healing, a scar still remains. Any trial or loss we suffer through almost always results in a scar. We are changed, for better or worse, by the trials we experience in this life.
I feel scars from the deaths of both of my parents. Of good friends I’ve lost through the years. Of all the relatives in my parents’ generation. Everyone of you likely bears scars from SOMETHING in your past. Maybe it was abuse, maybe losses like mine, maybe personal tragedies that you’ve mostly moved past.
The scar is a reminder that you’ve been hurt, but you are now essentially healed. Certainly not back to perfection. No, you are forever changed by the trauma, but it doesn’t devastate your life anymore. When you look at your scar, it reminds you of what you’ve experienced and how far you’ve come.
A scab, however, is quite a different “condition.” It’s headed toward healing, but any little bump or scrape along the way will cause it to bleed again and the healing process starts over a couple of steps back.
My healing stage is a scab. Maybe it will be a scar someday. Maybe not. What bumps into my scab that makes it start bleeding again?
- A song on the radio
- A date on the calendar that’s gone from joyous to heartbreaking
- Memories that hit hard on a daily basis
- A plumbing problem that now needs a professional to fix
- A picture that takes me back to our better days
- The empty side of the bed
- Weddings
- Funerals
- Activities that fit couples best
- Lonely days and night
- Putting up Christmas lights
The list isn’t all-inclusive. There are reminders and “bumps” in most days and that list would be much too long to include here. That’s not the important part of this message.
It’s to understand the differences between scars and scabs – and more accurately, where someone’s healing might be along that spectrum. Or at a minimum, just recognizing that there IS a spectrum!
My guess is that, upon deeper reflection, you too can likely identify scars and scabs in your own lives. Or in the lives of your family and friends.
So, just what are the take-aways from this post? Perhaps, a greater awareness of the people in your life who are struggling to move their wounds from scabs to scars. Maybe the acknowledgment that some scabs never heal. Possibly even a greater understanding of your own wound status.
Action plan? Be kind. Almost everyone has a hidden wound. But not me! I’m fortunate to analyze (and often treat) my wounds right here on this weekly post. Thanks for being part of MY medical team!
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.
Colossians 3:12