As I continue to talk about this subject of how to best walk alongside someone who is dealing with a loss, I am often asked questions that begin like this: “How do I know…?”

“How do I know if they’re ready to talk about their situation?”

“How do I know if they want help going through his things?”

“How do I know if they would like some company this evening?”

“How do I know if they need a safe place to cry?”

“How do I know if they need to vent?”

“How do I know if they’re afraid of what the future holds for them?”

“How do I know if they’d like to go out for coffee?”

“How do I know if they just want to process all that they’re experiencing?”

I could fill up the post with questions like this, but I think you get the idea.  When someone either loses a loved one, or goes through a challenging time in their lives, we often DO NOT KNOW how to help them.  Do they even need or want help?  Or what exactly can you help them with?

Here’s my answer – Just ask them.  It really can be as simple as that.  I was always encouraged by the people who weren’t afraid, not only to ask the question, but to face what my answer might be.  Who better to instruct us in what someone most needs at that moment in their life than the one who is experiencing the loss?

Now granted, there will be times when they don’t know exactly what they need.  Early after Dale’s death, people would often ask how to pray for me, and while I truly appreciated that gesture, it was often a tough question to answer.  It could literally vary from minute to minute.  Eventually, I would answer them, “Just pray that the Holy Spirit would guide you on how and when to reach out to me.”

After one of my recent presentations, and during the Q&A portion, an attendee asked this question: “How do I know if this person is tired of everyone bringing up the loss and just wants to be left alone, or still needs to talk?”

My answer was, of course, “Just ask them.”  “Are you weary of everyone asking about your loss, or do you feel like you need to process through that and talk to me about it?”  Let THEM decide.  They’re the ones needing the support.

The unspoken message you’re giving to the hurting person is, “I care enough about you and what you’re going through, to enter into this with you.”

I can’t remember one single instance when I felt anything but concern and compassion when someone specifically asked me what I needed in the moment.  In one conversation, I expressed some deep emotion I was feeling, and my friend said, “I’m not sure how to respond to that.  What do you need from me here?”  I don’t even recall if we resolved that particular issue, but I DO remember feeling extremely cared for because she wanted to understand my needs.  And it kept the conversation flowing.  If she had clammed up or backed off, it would have likely ended the dialogue.  And an opportunity to deepen our friendship would have been missed.

Do you see what an incredible gift that was?  You can be the person giving that gift as well.  Just ask. And then listen.

At the heart of this answer is the fact that we truly can’t know exactly what our hurting friend needs when it changes so frequently.  Because, unlike the ending scripture, we DON’T know what they need before they need it. Makes your job as the support person extra challenging, doesn’t it? So, just ask.

There’s one more Helper you can turn to for wisdom – the One I alluded to earlier.  Tap into the power of the Holy Spirit because He knows exactly what your friend is experiencing and can guide you in your quest for compassion – and action.  Just ask. Just ask.

…for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

Matthew 8:6b