…said almost anyone hoping to help someone who’s hurting.  This might be one of those phrases that you have always thought was kind and helpful.  And I might have just turned your compassion world upside down by suggesting that there are more effective ways to help your friend.

I mentioned this briefly in my post “Words of Healing and Hurt” last March.  Today, I appreciate the opportunity to expound on this a bit since it is so universally misunderstood.

I was clearly in the camp of using this nearly every time I talked with someone who was hurting.  I STILL find myself saying it!  And there is certainly some logic behind the posing of this statement.  How can we know what someone needs if they don’t tell us?

Honestly, I don’t recall a single circumstance where someone randomly called me when they needed something during their dark days.  Any reconnection I had with them was nearly exclusively because I reached out to them again.

A few people have suggested to me that making this statement to the hurting person puts the ball squarely in their court.  You’ve made the offer; now it’s time for them to act.  Almost as if there’s a dusting off of the hands and ridding yourself of the responsibility.

I suppose that could be the case with certain individuals or in certain circumstances, but I truly believe that MOST people offer up this statement with the very best of intentions.  And if we took them up on the offer, they would be thrilled to help us out – grateful that we thought enough of them to request their assistance.

Here’s the reality check from the perspective of someone suffering through a deep loss.  There were days when I heard some version of this statement again and again and again.  Nearly every conversation included the request for me to get back to them with some need that I had.  Here are a few examples:

“Let me know if you want to go to dinner.”

“Let me know if you want to go to a movie.”

“Let me know if you want to go out for coffee.”

“Let me know if you want to go for a walk.”

“Let me know if you want to go to lunch.”

“Let me know if you want to go shopping.”

“Let me know if you need help going through Dale’s things.”

“If you need anything, LET ME KNOW.”

Despite the kind hearts from which these statements flowed, I was OVERWHELMED by the volume of them.  Everywhere I turned it seemed like the request was made to me.  One time when I was out shopping, my husband’s death came up in conversation, and the person I had JUST met told me the same thing.  “If you need anything, let me know.”  Honestly, I had to chuckle just a bit to myself at that point, because, seriously, I had just met her!  But, she WAS sincere.

Why were these statements so hard to hear?  Because, most of the time, I did NOT have the strength to do the reaching out.  My tank was empty.  I was running on fumes.  Some days I could barely get out of bed in the morning.  I wasn’t even sure WHAT I needed, let alone who I should call about it.

So, what are some alternatives to these statements?  What conversations were more helpful?

“Let’s set a date to go out for coffee/lunch/dinner/a walk/a movie etc. etc.”  Letting someone else be responsible for the planning was a gift to me, as silly as that might seem.  I needed to be cared for.

Just a few caveats to go with this suggestion:

• Understand if they aren’t ready to take that step yet.  Or that day.
• Don’t stop asking, unless they tell you to stop asking!
• Suggest stopping by with take-out instead of going out.  I found it was often better to have a private meal with friends rather than having a public meltdown in a restaurant.

And here’s a novel idea – ask them what they most need help with, what they would most appreciate doing.  Sometimes we know what we want, sometimes we don’t!  So once again, don’t give up on us and extend grace as we struggle through the difficult days.

I trust this gives you a better understanding of why your “let me know” statement might not be the comfort you are hoping to extend to your hurting friend.  I hope the alternatives can fit right into that compassion arsenal you are building!

If any of my readers have other suggestions, or have questions about what to say in these situations, please feel free to share in the comments.  Or contact me privately and I’d be glad to share my thoughts with you.

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

1 John 3:18 ESV