Sounds a bit like a mystery/crime novel title, doesn’t it? And perhaps there is some mystery to be discovered by blog’s end!
As is often the case, this blog topic is the result of a hard lesson I’ve learned. For some reason, God thinks I need to air these things before the whole cyber-universe. Taking one for the team, I guess!
We’re going to look at expectations from several standpoints, and eventually wind up with the lesson I have learned.
I must admit that I have had high expectations for myself most of my life. There might even have been some years in the past where I bordered on perfectionism. Granted, some of that comes from being a musician and not wanting to make a fool of myself in front of an audience.
But it also translated into school, my career, my marriage, my relationships, and even my golf game. It’s one thing to have high expectations for yourself and those things somewhat in your control. Shooting for excellence is not a bad goal overall. After a lifetime of realizing I’m just really not that good at everything (especially golf), I’ve backed off that expectation a bit.
But what about when we place our expectations on other people? It’s a recipe for disaster. And a sure-fire way to mess up virtually any relationship. I’m guilty of that to some degree throughout much of my life.
Recently I’ve taken a closer look at how dangerous it truly can be when we place our expectations on someone else. It’s the complete opposite of those much sought-after win-win situations. It’s almost always lose-lose.
Here are some of the ways that can end badly:
- I’m disappointed and hurt that someone didn’t live up to what I expected of them.
- I put myself in judgment over them.
- I often find this “offense” to be a bone I chew on for much too long.
- They unjustly receive my disappointment or even anger.
- I’ve driven a wedge into our relationship.
- I’ve caused them to be suspect of our relationship.
- I’ve made it more difficult to extend forgiveness on either end.
Not a pretty picture, is it? Over time, this can lead to a life of bitterness and loneliness. Ultimately, it’s not what God wants for us.
I’ve taken a very non-scientific poll over the past few months (of just me) and analyzed what’s happening whenever I start to feel hurt by circumstances around me. Not surprisingly, more often than not, the hurt is the direct result of unfair expectations I’ve placed on others.
This is good news, bad news. Or more accurately, bad news, good news. I’m not proud of the fact that my misplaced expectations have caused strife in my relationships, and self-inflicted hurt. On the flip side, and something I’ve experienced recently, is that it’s an extremely simple fix.
Not necessarily easy to do from a pride standpoint, but simple to understand and simple to execute.
Stop placing expectations on others!
Of course, parents, teachers, bosses and others in positions of authority have some wiggle room here as expectation-setting is part of your job. So, you all figure out where you get a pass and where you don’t.
During these weeks of self-reflection, as soon as I realized the “budding” hurt was the result of my unfair expectation, I found that when I let go of said expectation, the whole situation felt resolved and peaceful. More importantly, it felt like this was exactly what God “expected” of me!
I realize this isn’t rocket science. It’s not even a concept past Psychology 101. But I have to believe I’m not the only one struggling with this notion. So if you’re in this camp with me, I encourage you to ask God to stop you in your tracks when you start to feel hurt. Ask yourself if expectations are playing a part in your story as well. Do some self-reflection during your prayer time. God will help you turn this around.
Of course there are times when our hurts are truly based on someone lashing out or being unkind. That requires our forgiveness which is past the scope of today’s blog post.
So let’s talk about God and expectations. Specifically, should we have expectations of him? That depends. Are you wanting your own personal genie in a bottle who will give you everything you ask of him (not just three wishes), and who will give you smooth sailing for your whole life?
Addressing why that’s not how God operates is another entire blog post, but let me just say, he has reasons for every single trial or “unanswered” prayer you’ve uttered to him. He is our creator. We have no right to demand anything of him.
So, what kind of expectations should we have of God? We can, with full assurance, expect him to keep every promise he makes to us in the Bible. And we can expect him to always be true to his character. In fact, God invites us to hold him to the standards he’s set for himself. They are exponentially higher than anything we could place on him.
For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.
That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.
2 Corinthians 1:20
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