Despite the tragedy and devastation surrounding us during this pandemic, I think we can all find good that has resulted from it. You see it on the news reports all the time – it’s their effort to add some “joy balance” to the bad news.
Families riding bikes together, children using their creativity regularly, much more exercise happening, elderly family and friends receiving handwritten notes in the mail. Kindnesses and generosity abound, and it’s heartwarming to hear about and experience those stories.
So, who wouldn’t want those great changes to survive well past this pandemic?
But that’s not what I’m referring to here. Today I want to look into a much different situation and yet ask ourselves that same question. “Is this a tradition we should embrace for the long term?”
Recently, a dear friend of mine lost her mom. It wasn’t due to COVID-19, but as every family who’s lost a loved one knows, the pandemic radically changes how you memorialize them, and how you’re able to process your grief. She was in her 90s and her health had been declining for a while. And yet, none of that made the loss any easier. They still lost their beloved wife and mother.
My friend and her family were able to have some final moments with her because she was in a secluded area of a care facility, but there were still limitations placed on them. The funeral ceremony was six family members and the pastor, out at the cemetery. The “funeral lunch” consisted of curbside pick-up Panera meals and a Nothing Bundt Cake dessert.
She told me about this meager lunch that the family shared in their dad’s small room, around a couple of little tables. But the intimacy of this gathering, and the stories and laughter they were able to share were heartwarming.
Most of us have experienced the joy, even in the midst of sorrow, that these kinds of remembrances can bring to us when shared with others who walk that memory lane with us. But there was something even more personal about this gathering BECAUSE so few people were representing the family.
After listening to her description of the day, I hesitated to ask her the question that was on my mind. And yet I did, because we have that kind of friendship. “Do you think sometimes our ‘celebration of life’ ceremonies become unnecessarily large productions?” I was so touched by the connection her small family made throughout these planning days, that I had to wonder if there was a lesson to be learned here.
She agreed that so much of their time together was precious BECAUSE they weren’t putting together the video of pictures, and getting musicians lined up for the ceremony, and planning a large luncheon following the service.
Let me be clear – I’m not suggesting there isn’t value in all those activities I just mentioned. And I did every single one of them for my husband’s funeral. There are benefits to having friends and family present as you memorialize your loved one. And gathering around food after the stress of the day is nearly over, can be a wonderful way to unwind a bit.
So, this is not a rallying cry to “stop the madness” of funeral planning. But I want to suggest that maybe, just maybe, the expectations can be simplified. And a wider range of choices, and reasons for those choices, may be appropriate.
I know people who wanted no service after they died, and I see it in obituaries all the time. I assume those wishes are honored, and no memorial is planned. But that’s not what I’m suggesting here.
I’m questioning whether we, as a society, allow families the freedom to choose the smaller, more intimate gathering, without facing any judgment. Or if we even consider it as an option for our own family members, given the usual pattern for funerals today.
Honestly, I’m not sure where I land on this. I clearly see benefits to any choices along the spectrum. Regardless of the position on that spectrum, there are some important things to remember. Or perhaps important changes needed in our perspectives.
- The decision belongs, first of all, to the person facing their death.
- Second to that, the immediate family has the right to make that call.
- As onlookers, we must respect that decision. No second guessing.
- The factors playing into that decision are as varied as the families. Financial, emotional, religious, family dynamics, and more.
- Regardless of the size of the memorial, please continue to stay in touch with the grieving family. Smaller memorials don’t equate to less heartache.
Thank you for thinking through this with me. I hope we can acknowledge the benefits of any size or type of memorial. And feel the freedom to choose what fits your family best, should you be in a position to make that decision. May this pandemic cause us to re-evaluate all of life’s big decisions. And may God guide us in that process.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach,and it will be given him.
James 1:5
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