True confessions – I’m a bit too quick to go on the defensive when someone challenges me for ANY reason. Blame it on my Dutch heritage; blame it on my genetics, blame it on my “corporate” training; or more appropriately, blame it on my sinful nature. For example:
Party #1: “You know, Lynne, you tend to get a bit defensive when someone disagrees with you.”
Me: (Huffing and puffing) “I do NOT get defensive!” (More huffing and puffing…)
Not a pretty, nor Christ-like picture, is it?
God has challenged, and blessed, me recently through some interactions with a friend who displays the humblest, tenderest, most introspective heart of anyone I’ve met. And to be clear, having such a tender heart did not preclude this friend from taking on difficult issues. I’ve experienced this first-hand, and I’ve seen it as an observer looking in. But the direct interaction was by far the most powerful.
When challenged on any front, these are the kinds of responses I’ve heard:
“I’m sorry I was so insensitive.”
“I’m disappointed in myself.”
“Can you forgive me?”
“I’m sorry you were the recipient of my immaturity.”
“I feel awful. I failed to show that you are absolutely a priority.”
“Thank you for challenging me in my obvious areas of weakness.”
That’s just a sampling. What if you were the recipient of those words? How would they make you feel? Don’t they just drip with humility and contrition? And unlike how I’ve been known to respond, none of it was said with the snark that can often accompany such statements! We all know what an insincere, “I’m sorry” sounds like, don’t we? Not an ounce of that here.
The powerful consequence of these statements on ME is that any “fight” I had in me was immediately extinguished. I WANTED to now have the exact same heart as my friend. And, miracle of miracles, I also looked inward to see where I had fallen short as well. The result was a healthy and heart-felt conversation about whatever the issue was. Not to mention tremendous personal growth and a deeper friendship.
But I think what was more important to me is that I now wanted those same characteristics. If someone had told me that I needed to develop them, what do you suppose my response would have been? Likely, “I do NOT need to be less defensive!” I’m seeing a pattern…
So the first lesson I want to pass along is how much more powerful it is to MODEL a Christ-like behavior than it is to suggest someone figure out a way to get it! Why is that? I believe it’s because we naturally don’t want to be TOLD what to do. So what I observed and felt affected my heart in such a profound way and caused me to long for that same spirit.
I planned to write this blog a couple of days ago, but my schedule got side-tracked with this upcoming situation.
I’ve been praying that God would develop that tenderness in my own heart over these past few months. As we all know, be careful what you pray for!
Just last week God chose to put me to the test. Looming ahead of me was a difficult, uncomfortable and potentially damaging conversation I needed to have, and I was dreading it with my whole being.
That’s when I realized that God was now giving me the test. I had asked him to cultivate this tenderness in my heart, and now He was giving me the opportunity to put it into practice.
So I prayed diligently and had others praying for me as well. I had an amazing peace going into the call, knowing that God could and would give me the spirit and the restraint I needed to finish well. Was it perfect? Not really. But definitely a different tone to the conversation.
It was than I realized that the blog wasn’t really complete without this part of the story. And the second lesson learned:
When God opens our eyes and our hearts to a “deficiency” in our behaviors, and we subsequently ask him to change us, He delivers! But it isn’t a magic “POOF.” We do have to be willing to change and to let go of our own desires. We also must realize that none of us can do this in our own strength. God is the one who equips us. Who better to do it??
I’m so blessed by all God has taught me through my friend during this season. It helps me continue to grow in my Christian walk – and it reminds me how much we can learn from the ones God places in our lives.
I end a lot of my blogs this way, but here it is again. I couldn’t be more grateful.
But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart
with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which in God’s sight is very precious.
1 Peter 3:4
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