My church held an all-church retreat this past weekend.
I went last year even though I had some reservations about going alone. Despite having some wonderful conversations with members of my church family and some great times of fun, overall it was a really hard weekend. I felt the weight of being the only one there with no family. And there were still many times when I felt extremely alone. Having to hold it together from Friday through Sunday morning was a big part of the difficulty. Small doses are manageable; an entire weekend wasn’t.
I remember leaving the last day and watching all the families loading up their vans with their kids and a feeling of deep melancholy coming over me as I walked to my car alone and drove home alone. It felt like the retreat shined a light on my widowhood, through no one’s fault. Strictly “part of the package.”
Are you catching the “alone” theme here?
So, when the retreat was announced for this year, I told my pastor that I wouldn’t be going. And I explained pretty much what I wrote in the previous paragraphs. While he was sad that I wouldn’t be there, he understood why it was hard and respected my decision.
It’s in the same general category as a couple who struggles with infertility or who, perhaps even lost a child to miscarriage, spending an entire weekend at a couple’s baby shower. Painful reminders all weekend long.
As I told people that I wasn’t going, I had mixed reactions. After a brief explanation, some would also say they understood why it would be hard. Others were just sad that I wasn’t coming. Others didn’t understand why I made that decision and felt that it wasn’t necessarily the correct one.
So this is where my education hat gets put on and I step into the main goal of my ministry – to help others “be a blessing to their grieving friend.”
First of all, thank you to all those who truly wanted me to be part of this gathering. I don’t take that for granted and am grateful that you likely don’t even see me first and foremost as a widow! That’s a very good thing and it speaks to our deep relationships.
Secondly, I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost a spouse to fully understand why these kinds of events are hard for me. I’ll go a step further and say I don’t want anyone to understand this completely because it would mean they, too, had lost their spouse. And I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.
So, what’s the bottom line here? When I’m speaking to groups on this subject, my advice is pretty simple. I don’t expect you to understand it. I just ask you to believe me. When I tell you that this is what it’s like, I want you to trust that I’m doing what I feel is best for my circumstances, and to not judge that.
Let’s broaden that lesson. Think about your circle of influence – family, friends, church family, co-workers, neighbors, etc. etc. I’m pretty sure there are people in your group who have gone through, or are currently experiencing some kind of loss that you’ve never been through yourself. And you’re likely going through something that they don’t all understand either. Let’s face it, there are plenty of ways to go through hardships and I’m grateful I haven’t been through all of them!
What should our response be as we engage with people experiencing losses we know little about? Validate their pain. “Of course, this is hard for you. I can’t imagine what it’s like. I’m so very sorry.” Don’t judge and don’t question how they’re handling their loss. Just believe them.
Something else you may not understand – how incredibly kind that response feels to us. It’s more powerful than you can ever imagine. Who wouldn’t want to be that kind of friend?
Returning to the retreat for a moment, while I still believe my decision to stay home was the correct one, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the weight of what I was losing out on with my church family. I deeply missed what I knew was great fellowship. So, sometimes the decisions aren’t simply the easy way out. Sometimes it’s just about what causes the least amount of heartache.
As is so often the case, my prayer is that what I’ve share here has not been offensive, because that is never my desire. I hope it causes you to reflect for a moment and perhaps make a slight change in your perspective if you are ever faced with a similar situation.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love,
a tender heart, and a humble mind.
1 Peter 3:8
Leave a Reply