I have become friends recently with a fellow widow I met through my Christian widow Facebook group. While we live over 1500 miles apart and our widow circumstances are very different from each other, we share much of the same heartache and spiritual perspective on this journey.
Recently, this friend had to make the difficult decision to return to work outside the home. Her husband had been the sole provider for her family while she was his partner in ministry and home-schooled her boys.
That world was turned on its head a few months ago when her 40-year-old husband died suddenly, leaving her a widow and single mom to her kids. Circumstances that I struggle to comprehend and yet grieve so deeply with her.
All that has led to a friendship forged by that shared pain, and a shared hope of heaven where we will forever be reunited with Jesus – and our beloved husbands.
Last week was her first day on a new job that she never thought she’d have to start. I’m sure some of you reading this can relate to how foreign and off-kilter that must feel after focusing solely on the care of your family.
I knew this would be a tough day and I wanted to lift her up in prayer as she began this necessary, but unwanted, position.
Here was the first prayer-thought I had as I began: “Dear God, please protect her from ignorant, but well-intentioned people.” I was a caught off guard just a bit by that plea! Are you surprised by it?
Initially, I felt inclined to take it back because it seemed a bit too judgmental. Especially that “ignorant” comment! But the dictionary defines ignorant as: lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about a particular thing. That’s not so bad, right? Not stupid. Not vindictive. Just don’t know.
So as I examined it more closely, I decided that it was EXACTLY what I wanted to pray for her. And apparently, it was what God wanted me to pray for her. It was the kind of protection that would be most helpful as she faced a new job, new boss, new fellow workers, and new contacts.
Some people would know her circumstances and would want to express their condolences to her. After the much expected, “I’m so sorry for your loss” would come the awkward silence of not knowing what to say to her next. Therein lies the danger.
I speak from experience when I say that our efforts to fill-in the gaping conversation hole can often lead us to say something thoughtless. Sometimes we recognize it after it leaves our lips; other times we’re clueless. I’ve been there. I’ve done it more times than I want to admit to.
I ALSO speak from experience when I say that so many of these well-meaning statements cut like a knife to our wounded, bleeding hearts. The epitome of adding salt to a wound.
THAT is what I asked God to protect her from. Please don’t let her interactions today cause her more pain and heartache. She has enough for the day.
If you’ve been following my ministry or this blog for any period of time, you can likely recite many of the statements I caution people against. So I don’t want to delve too deeply into all of that, but would like to provide a brief reminder for all of us as to how our well-meaning statements can inadvertently backfire.
- “Well, at least…” Only serves to minimize our pain.
- “I know exactly how you feel…” No you don’t. Nobody knows EXACTLY how I feel.
- “If you need anything, let me know.” We’ve heard that more times than we can count. Please don’t put all that responsibility on us.
- Platitudes too numerous to mention! For example, “God needed another angel.” Not even true.
- Scriptures spoken without considering if they’re appropriate at this time.
It’s a Reader’s Digest version but I think you can see how easily we go off the tracks. Maybe this is the reminder you need to interact well with someone in your life who is going through a deep loss. Or maybe you, too, are looking for a new way to pray for that friend!
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,
but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion,
that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29
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