Sometimes the advice I dispense is very specific to widows, or to others going through a deep loss. But I always love it when I find a topic that can speak to a much broader audience. And this week, we have just that kind of story.
I also love it when it’s someone else’s story! So, as I usually do, I’ll use aliases instead of real names. But unlike in the past, I’ve let the characters in the story choose their own names!
This is the story of mom, Jacqueline, and her daughter, Annie. Annie is an amazing dancer. The kind that is awe-inspiring because of her skill and grace and joy of performance. I’ve only seen her on video and even then, I’m mesmerized by her performances. She is a true professional in the making.
As is often the case in this life, setbacks can and do happen when we least expect them. Such was the case in our story today. Annie suffered an accident during one of her practices and ended up with a broken foot, one that required surgery and that infamous boot that nobody wants to wear. Not only did she suffer the physical blow to her body, but she was also immediately side-lined from the sport she loved, and her artistic outlet was shut down.
Annie is a junior in high school, so the magnitude of this loss looms large in her life. Think back to YOUR days as a high school junior. I know I didn’t experience anything on the level that Annie is enduring.
Her fellow teammates are, of course, sad for her and hate that she must suffer through this challenge. Annie, by nature, is very upbeat – the kind of person you’d like to hang around with because she is just that full of joy.
While she has shown a strong, positive face through most of these past months, there are times she is understandably discouraged and tearful over all that she’s missing as she watches her teammates prepare for performances and competitions.
Recently, in one of her rare “down” times, several friends tried to cheer her up. And like many of us who want to “help” someone out of the doldrums, they said statements that included phrases like, “Well, at least…” or “I know just how you feel…”. The intention is to help her see that things really aren’t that bad, and your situation isn’t more difficult than others. They just wanted her to be happy again.
How did all of these cheering-up attempts make Annie feel? Worse. That’s right. As she told her mom, Jacqueline, about this through her tears later that day, it didn’t take long for Mom to know just what her daughter needed.
Jacqueline wisely gave Annie permission to grieve this loss in her life. “Of course, this is hard! Of course, you’re sad that you’re missing some of the biggest moments of your dance year. Of course, you’re tired of trying to keep up that cheerful façade. It’s okay to cry for all that you’re missing.”
In a word, this is what Jacqueline gave to Annie. Validation.
Here’s the dictionary definition: recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.
That’s what anyone suffering through anything wants and needs more than a host of people trying to cheer us up. And here’s the irony of it, from my own experience. Once someone validates how I feel through my own sorrow, it frees me up to be more cheerful! Isn’t that interesting?
I hold no negative or judgmental feelings for Annie’s friends. They were truly doing what they thought was best for her. We don’t have to be high school juniors to do the same thing. I’ve certainly been guilty of it many times.
So, this is a lesson for us all. When someone we love is hurting, for any reason, think FIRST about validating the sad or grieving or suffering emotions they’re experiencing. You will give them a gift that they aren’t likely to get from most of their support circle.
The application of validation is far-reaching. If you start looking for opportunities, I think you’ll be amazed at how often you can speak these words of comfort to the people in your world.
My hat is off to my friend Jacqueline for knowing just what Annie needed during her tearful time. And I believe Annie has gained an understanding of how to best support her own friends when they need her during their difficult times down the road. Jacqueline just helped her daughter gain a more compassionate heart. What a wonderful gift from mother to daughter.
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
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