“The Wisdom of Remembering and the Wisdom to Forget”

I can take no credit for this title because it was the name of a devotional I recently completed through my YouVersion app.  I thought it was intriguing when I was searching for a new study and it didn’t disappoint.

But I’m not sharing anything from that devotional here.  I found the title so insightful that I decided to steal it (with full acknowledgment to BiblWord) for this week’s post.

I think what caught my attention, from a grieving standpoint, was the potential for some new revelations on how we can best navigate this journey.  I know there were ideas that popped into my head for both types of wisdom.  So let’s see where this takes us.

We’ll start with the wisdom of remembering. Might be an extra challenge considering all the things I’ve forgotten or misplaced lately!  My goal is that each list will be helpful in finding some peace through the heartache.

“Wisdom of Remembering”

• Topping the list, and not at all surprising, is the admonition to remember what God has promised in the Bible.  It’s pretty easy to take this one for granted if we aren’t intentional about it.  But where else can one go to find promises and examples that keep us moving forward on our grief journey? 
• Running a close second is remembering what God has done in your life in the past.  Where has he shown up in powerful ways?  Are there times you can clearly point to where he blessed you unexpectedly?  Maybe some of this remembering is in retrospect.  Perhaps you see how God protected you from yourself and didn’t give you what you wanted. If so, does it help you remember that he truly knows what’s best for your life?
• Drilling down a bit, what about remembering the good times with the one you’ve lost?  Regardless of whom you’re grieving, I’m sure you have some happy memories that bring a smile to your face.  Oh sure, I know it probably brings some tears, too.  But I truly believe our memories are gifts from God that can take us through dark days.
• Remember that God isn’t done with you yet.  If you’re feeling lost because of the huge hole left in your life after your loved one’s death, know that your purpose here has not disappeared.  Granted, it’s probably changed a lot!  But God can and will find new ways to use you BECAUSE of your loss and grief.
• Remember the kindnesses shown to you by friends and family members.  When did they bless you unexpectedly? What new relationships or deeper relationships now speak into your life?  Remember them…and be grateful for them.
• Remember what lies ahead.  This one is EASY for me to remember!  I think about this daily.  When I fall into the pity pit, or when I can’t imagine this pain for the rest of my life, or when I’m tempted to just succumb to despair, THAT’S when I most need to remember what lies ahead when this life is over.  Eternal perfection.  It will be worth waiting for!

Sometimes I feel like I remember what I want to forget, and forget what I want to remember!  Kind of like what Paul says in Romans 7:19: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.”

That said, let’s look at what is best for us to forget.

“Wisdom to Forget”

• Any wrongs done to us, either intentionally or unintentionally, especially if we’ve already dealt with them!  Don’t keep relieving them, or holding onto grudges.  Forgive and move on.
• Regrets!  Oh my, don’t we all have them?  If it’s something we regret doing or saying or NOT doing or saying with our loved one who is gone, then there’s little to be done about that.  Ask GOD to forgive you, learn from it, and then let it go.
• Our “old” life?  Let me explain.  If you struggle with the reality that your old life is forever gone, and if you’re primarily living in that past life, you’re likely setting yourself up for never-ending heartache and frustration.  I’m not suggesting you forget those memories or lessons learned, but I do recommend you learn how to embrace the new life God has given you.  Look with expectation for what he wants to do with this version of you.

These are just a few suggestions, but I’m sure you can look at your own circumstances and create a different, more personal list of your own.

One small piece of advice if you’re the support person walking alongside this grieving friend – trust this “remembering” and “forgetting” process to them and God.  Encourage them in both areas, for sure, but don’t try to force them to do either.  Everyone’s timetable will be unique and the only wise way to remember and forget is to work through your own list honestly and transparently with God as your guide.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given him.

James 1:5