Not often do I feel called to share a post that might be difficult to read. Might hit a little too close to home. Might even make you a bit upset with me. Or for some, it might cause you to shout, “Amen!”

Yep – I’m back to writing a post that’s clearly tied to my original ministry goal of helping people compassionately support those who are going through a loss.

So, in the privacy of your own world, please read these words with an open mind and heart. If this isn’t applicable to you, congratulations! You’re doing this support thing well. If it does cause a bit of discomfort, I pray that you’ll see some wisdom in my words and experience and let it give you a new, more accurate perspective.

I’m referring to the situation where someone has experienced a deep loss of a loved one. Likely that of a spouse or a child.

What often happens long after the memorial service is over, and the pans of lasagna have been consumed, is that any mention of our loved one makes some people uncomfortable. As does deep loss and grief, in general.

I understand the world’s hesitancy to step into this with us, and I truly don’t long for people to understand my “forever grief,” but as I often say, “I don’t expect you to understand what I’m going through. I just ask that you believe me when I tell you that this is what it’s like.”

Whether said to my face, behind my back, or about my other grieving friends, these words can be extremely hurtful.

• “Haven’t you moved past that by now?”
• “Why do they keep talking about [their loved one] when they’ve been gone so long?”
• “Are they in denial that they’re gone?”
• “Are they afraid to face the truth that their husband/wife/child isn’t coming back?”
• “I’m getting a little tired of hearing about …”

In full honesty, I’ve been guilty of thinking or saying these same things in the past. So, I’m not coming from a position of judgment, but rather one of education, to help you understand what’s helpful and what’s hurtful.

We talk about them, or want to, because we’re afraid they’ll be forgotten. The person isn’t physically here to make their presence known, so we do it posthumously because it’s that important to us.

For the most part, we’re not in denial that we’ve lost someone dear to us. We live with that reality every single day – some easier than others. Some extra hard.

So, here’s my question to those of you who wish we’d “just move on.”

Are you in denial that our loved one ever lived?

Yes, it’s a harsh question, and I know no one would answer “yes” to that. But when we see the clear discomfort of so many when we do talk about our loved one, it can feel like this to us.

I’ll close with some words of advice and some practical suggestions.

• Recognize that our missing loved one is likely still a huge part of our lives. They just have to live on in our memories, which is why we long to share those with our friends.
• Engage in the conversation about their loved one, just as they do with yours who are still in your lives.
• If something reminds you of their loved one, don’t hesitate to mention it. They’ll be glad you did.
• If you didn’t know their loved one, ask them to share what they loved about them. During a recent conversation with a friend, she said to me, “I wish I’d known Dale.” Me too, Friend, me too.
• Remember those hard days (birthdays, death days, anniversaries, holidays). So often the days that used to be the most joyful are now the most painful because we walk through them without their presence. And for more than just that first year of “firsts.”

Thank you for reading to the end! These are often hard truths to grasp, especially when we truly don’t understand. But I hope you’ll take this to heart and bless someone you know who is deeply missing their “someone” by saying, “Remember when …?” or “Tell me about them.”

It’s a simple but powerful way to lift the spirits of someone who lives with the pain of loss.

Bear one another’s burdens,

and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2