I think this is a question that can originate from EITHER side of a grieving situation.  I’m sure I have friends who wonder why I don’t reach out to them more often to help me with various tasks.

I also know on a deeply personal basis that it absolutely is hard for me to ask for help and I can’t always articulate why.  Those of you who know me well might suggest that my hesitancy in reaching out is mostly because I think I can handle everything on my own.  The good old Dutch stubbornness coming through!

While I do admit to retaining a bit of that heritage, and certainly there are times when I feel I can tackle a particular project (and often do), I guarantee there are times I desperately want help.  As I’ve talked with other widows about this over the past year or so, I find that I am not alone.  Many of us, and on many occasions, struggle with reaching out for help.  We may not have any great logic behind that, but it is how we feel.

Let me first acknowledge some true statements. 

1. If I don’t tell someone what I need, how in the world will they know, right?
2. In the vast majority of situations, people are absolutely sincere in their offer to help me.
3. I can often give off the vibe that I’ve got things covered so don’t worry about me.
4. I deprive sincere individuals of the opportunity to reach out in Christian service.
5. Sometimes the hints I drop in conversation are highly veiled!
6. Pride is often the root of my inclination to go it alone.

So with full acknowledgment from me on all of those, I’m going to throw out some things I struggle with based mostly on my own experience, but also backed up by my widow friends.

• Having been married to Mr. Fix-it for over three decades, I’m finding that whenever something is broken, it’s such a reminder that I don’t have him here to take care of those things anymore. 
• Maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want anyone to replace him in this job?
• Often, the item needing some fixing is so small that it doesn’t warrant a request for help.  How do you ask someone to help with a 10-minute job?
• Right or wrong, I so often feel like I’m imposing on them.  Let’s face it – people have very busy lives and much of me doesn’t want to add to their responsibilities.
• On more than a few occasions, someone has offered to help me and then not delivered.  Those times add to my hesitancy to ask…anyone.
• I often don’t know the skill set of those offering help – not sure if THIS is the right project for them or not.
• Sometimes I feel that I should just “bite the bullet” and hire a handyman to take care of these items that pop up. 
• As I mentally scroll through the names of people I think would help me, I find myself coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t/couldn’t contact them – and then I just give up.
• This one is very hard to admit – just as it’s often difficult for a grieving person to do the reaching out, sometimes I still feel like I don’t have the strength to reach out and ask for help.  The child in me just wants someone to take that step and take care of me.  My life-long care giver is gone.
• Bottom line – I often feel like I’m a bother.  The stereotypical “needy widow.”

As I read through these, it paints a bit of a pitiful picture, doesn’t it?  That’s not my intent.  I’m hoping to open up this particular window into my life and perhaps provide some practical feedback and suggestions for you, along with some resolutions from me.

From a purely logical standpoint, I can make a strong case to myself on why every one of these bullet points isn’t reality.  But here’s the REAL reality (is that proper grammar??) – despite knowing that, I still feel every single one of them.  And so do my friends in the widow club.

So, what do we do with that?

For your part:

• Try to decipher those “veiled hints” I might throw out occasionally.
• Check in with us regularly to see if any projects have accumulated.
• If you know about a project we just can’t handle alone that comes around every year, offer to take care of it each time.
• When you’re doing a seasonal chore of your own, ask if we may need help with the same activity.
• USUALLY take us at our word when we tell you we definitely have this particular job covered. 😊

For my part:

• Let go of my pride and let others reach out in love.
• Take people at their word when they sincerely offer to help.
• Learn to reach out even when I’m fearful of “perceived” rejection.
• Don’t get too comfortable in that “needy widow” role.
• Remember that God has created good works for others to walk into.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

James 1:27