This is a topic that I always approach with a bit of trepidation. Sometimes it is hard to know when a line has been crossed from helpful information into becoming overly needy or self-centered. So, to balance that out, I pledge to look at BOTH sides of this issue.
First, let me define what I mean by “careful conversations.” It’s being cognizant of how a normal conversation could unintentionally be hurtful to someone who is going through a difficult time.
Here are a few examples to help illustrate:
To the friend who lost his job – Going on and on about how much you love your job, and how great the people are, and how wonderful your boss is, and how incredible your pay is, or how awful everything is…or any combination thereof.
To the friend who experienced a miscarriage – Talking about how much joy your children bring to you, or even how naughty they’ve been lately. I bet your friend would take THAT over a child she’ll never raise.
To the friend who’s going through a divorce – Talking about how much you love your spouse and what wonderful things they’ve just done for you. Or telling your friend how bad YOUR spouse has been and how fortunate they are to be done with any “spousal drama.”
To the friend who received a cancer diagnosis – Talking about anybody else you know who is also diagnosed with cancer and how everything turned out for them – either good or bad. This is THEIR personal cancer diagnosis and talking about others isn’t generally helpful.
To the parent of a special needs child – Talking JUST to the parents and ignoring their child. Treating their child as “less than.” Make eye contact and, when appropriate, include them in the conversation.
To the friend whose spouse died – Talking about what an amazing anniversary celebration your husband or wife recently planned for you. That’s hard to hear when my anniversaries ended at 31.
You might be asking yourself, “Must I forever avoid a subject that encroaches on their loss or their difficulty?”
And that is the segue to the other side of this coin.
I can’t speak into each of these examples because the only one I’ve experienced is the last one – the death of my spouse. So, I’ll address what I’ve gone through and what I’m trying to learn in this. Hopefully, you’ll find parallels to a situation in which you may find yourself.
So, I’ll answer your question in the context of my widowhood.
No, you shouldn’t forever avoid mentioning your husband when you talk to me. I want my friends to feel free to share with me the good times and the frustrating times with their spouses. I want to be happy for what you have – or sympathize with you when things aren’t going well. I want my widowhood to have zero effect on my joy for you.
The operative word here is “want.” It’s what I’m working towards. It’s the desire of my heart. It’s where I know I must eventually land. It’s what God commands of me, and it’s my prayer for my healing.
But know this – I’m not always there. Often your stories still cause a little stab to my heart, a touch of jealousy or self-pity. I try to smile through it. But sometimes I have to just shut it all out.
Case in point – I couldn’t spend any time on Facebook through the days leading up to Valentine’s Day. Too many messages of love to spouses, too many pictures of rose bouquets, too many fancy dinner pictures. I had to protect my heart from the hurt that results from knowing I don’t have that life anymore.
Yes, I am truly happy for anyone who enjoyed those things. I just can’t always handle the high volume of reminders. My issue, not yours.
So, where does this leave us? There are responsibilities on both ends.
It IS wise to think through what conversations might be hurtful to your friend, especially in the early weeks or even months after a difficult loss. If you see that they’re struggling with one of your stories, acknowledge that you understand how hard it must be for them to hear it. Adjust on the fly, perhaps!
Follow God’s instructions and “…weep with those who weep.”
And for my part, I pray that God continues his healing work in my heart, that I will RSVP “no” to any of my pity parties, that I will put your joy ahead of my heartache more and more.
That I will follow God’s instructions and “rejoice with those who rejoice…”
I hope this gives you some perspective on how to view some of your conversations through a slightly different lens. And I hope you know that, for my part, my prayer is that I will extend grace where needed and celebrate your joys always.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15