Something I’m simultaneously amazed at and embarrassed by are the number of phrases I’ve used so often in the past when I thought I was providing some level of comfort to a hurting friend.

We’ve talked about the phrases, “If you need anything, let me know” and “I know exactly how you feel. I felt like this when…”  Hopefully you’ve gained some new perspectives on those.  And, unlike me, I hope you’ve gained them from reading this blog rather than realizing how it feels on the painful side of loss!  If so, you will be miles ahead of me – and good for you!

Today our “phrase of the week to avoid” is “Well, at least…”  In my mind, and maybe in yours as well, I was trying to make them feel better by offering up a little dose of Pollyanna.  I’ll give them a happy thought and then maybe they won’t feel so bad…

Trust me, I know it doesn’t accomplish that for me now – and it didn’t accomplish that for the friends I said it to.  Let’s take a little deeper look into this phrase to see why it’s generally not helpful to the hurting person.

First of all, I must acknowledge that sometimes the “well, at least” statements SOUND very encouraging and comforting.  For example,

“Well, at least their suffering is over.”

“Well, at least they didn’t suffer.”

“Well, at least you could be there with them.”

“Well, at least they’re in heaven.”

“Well, at least you got to say ‘good-bye’.”

These may very well be true.  And there might even be some small comfort imparted.  But, I found that, overall, these kinds of statements did not help me.  They made me feel like I shouldn’t be feeling badly because at least I had…this.  It was much better for me to arrive at these statements on my own, rather than have someone attempt to dilute my pain with them.

Sometimes, these “well, at least statements” can take you somewhere you didn’t mean to go!  A friend of mine lost her son in a car accident many years ago and someone said to her at the time, “Well, at least you still have your daughter.”  Yikes!  How helpful do you think that was?  I’d probably have been so dumbfounded as to be rendered speechless. And that doesn’t happen often with me.  😊

At their core, these statements attempt to lessen the pain of the griever, but ultimately end up MINIMIZING it instead.  And there’s a big difference.  Chances are, your friend needs to feel the pain, work through it, have it acknowledged and validated.

Try these substitutes:

“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”

“You must be overwhelmed with everything.”

“I have no idea what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

I found those types of statements much more comforting than any from the “well, at least” genre. 

Food for thought as you walk alongside someone who is hurting.  Well, at least now you know!

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

John 15:12