Even Elvis sang of this; “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you…”  It’s commonly known that holidays, especially Christmas, can be some of the toughest times for someone who is grieving.  What’s not well-known is how to help those of us in the midst of our grief.

I was recently asked the question, “What advice do you have for someone who would like to help a grieving person through the holidays?”  And while I can usually talk off the top of my head about anything related to the grieving process or how to help someone who is in it, I have to admit that I didn’t have a ready answer.

Why not?  I’m headed into my second Christmas season without Dale, so shouldn’t I have a better idea of how you can help me?

What I struggled with in trying to answer that, is all the myriad of factors that go into a grieving person’s holiday season.  To name just a few:

• What was this season like BEFORE their loved one died?  Or before their divorce?  Or before this current difficulty hit their lives?  Was there already baggage even before the loss?  We all know the holidays bring their own special stressors!
• Where are they in their stage of grief?  Are they just barely into the first few months?  Or have they been grieving this loss for years?  Their grief may not have changed much – but everyone’s expectations of their grief have.  Maybe you think it’s time they moved on…
• How do they typically handle high stress situations?  Do they pretend everything is OK?  Do they withdraw?  Do they lash out at what seems, to you, to be the pettiest little offense?
• What support have they had from family and friends since their loss or difficulty hit? Have they felt supported?  Or do they feel very alone?  The holidays can magnify that.

So, despite all those varied influences, I do think there are some basic steps you can take to bring some comfort and maybe even a little joy into the grieving person’s holiday world.

• Do they have plans for the holiday?  If not, why not set an extra place at the table for them?
• Acknowledge that this is such a difficult season– NO MATTER how many Christmases they have gone through without their loved one.  Rarely does it get much easier.  Send a note or pick up the phone and let them know that you are still praying for them.
• Invite them out or over for coffee and let them talk about whatever they want.  Maybe it’s fond memories of past seasons with their loved one that make them smile.  Maybe it’s sharing the heartache with someone who is willing to just listen.  And maybe share some tears.
• Don’t tell them how they should be handling the holiday.  Don’t tell them to move on, or not to cry, or to be strong.  It’s not your journey.
• Talk about the loved one.  Please don’t pretend that they don’t exist.  They are still VERY real in our hearts.
• Extend grace. Recognize that they may be barely hanging on to their composure and the last straw could result in tears or anger or any number of emotions.  Worth saying again, Extend grace.

Nancy Guthrie shares some additional thoughts on helping grieving people through the Christmas holiday in this helpful article. 

During this season of giving, I encourage to extend a hand and heart of blessing to your grieving friend. God will bless you in return!