About a month ago, I posted a blog that talked about some specific things to say or not say – and I promised a little more depth on some of those “statements to avoid.” So, let’s take a deeper look at this very common statement: “I know [exactly] how you feel. I felt like that when…”
My very short answer to that was, “No, you don’t.” Now I have the opportunity to explain why I believe this to be true. And just a reminder here – it’s not necessary to know exactly how the grieving person feels to be a comfort to them. Listening and acknowledging their grief are two skills that can always serve you well.
So, just what is at the heart of this unique nature to which I often allude? I’d like share what I experienced after the deaths of both of my parents to help illustrate my point.
I had two wonderful parents. That’s one of the blessings I’m most grateful for as I look back on my life. I loved them both and had a solid relationship with each of them – different, but very fulfilling.
My dad died very unexpectedly on January 1, 1992. He had a massive blood clot that covered all of one lung and half of the other. It had been forming for 12 weeks after some fairly minor prostate surgery. He was gone within 15 minutes of the onset with no warning whatsoever before that.
Dale and I lived in Stillwater, MN at the time and I will never forget that phone call. His death absolutely rocked my world – and not in a good way. The Hoeksema side of the family usually lived well into their 90s so none of us was prepared for this.
Fast forward about 16 years. I had spent the past few years watching my sweet mom slowly disappear from the affects of dementia. When I walked into her nursing home room on December 23, 2007, I knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. She died within a couple of hours of my arrival.
I grieved these two deaths very differently. But, my CORE grief was the same. I was heartbroken to lose the parents that I dearly loved. That part of my grief looked very much the same.
With my dad’s death, I struggled with the shock of losing him so unexpectedly. And everyone in the family and in the community was struggling with that as well.
There was no surprise with my mom’s death, but what I DID struggle with was the length of time I grieved her loss BEFORE her actual death.
That CORE grief was affected by the suddenness of my dad’s death on one hand, and the long, lingering death of my mom on the other.
That got me thinking about the myriad of circumstances affecting someone’s grief – and how the totality of all of those circumstances add up to make EVERYONE’S JOURNEY UNIQUE. I have labeled these various circumstances “Grief Influencers.”
So, let’s take a look at some of the ways our basic, core grieving can be altered by a Grief Influencer. Here’s a partial list, based on my experience personally, and from talking with many people about this subject. There’s no doubt that the list is really much longer. Any one of you could add to it, based on what YOU’VE experienced.
- Unexpected nature of the death
- Manner of death
- Age of the loved one – young or old
- Depth of your love
- Length of relationship
- Complicated nature of your relationship
- Regrets after the death
- Family dynamics
- Role of faith in your life
- New roles to take on
- Length of their suffering
- Your own ability to process a loss
- Sense of helplessness over the manner of death
- Violent or tragic nature of the death
- Circumstances in your life
- Support system
- Proximity to another loss
How many more can you add? The point is that everything that goes into making you who you are, everything that went into making your loved one who they were, everything that went into the relationship you had with them, and everything that made their manner of death unique ALL affect what your grief journey looks like.
These “Influencers” pierce through the core grief we feel, altering it positively or negatively, and ultimately changing it in a myriad of ways to make it your very own.
Is it any wonder, then, that we all have such a unique path? Does this provide you with a better understanding of why the statement, “I know exactly how you feel” can NEVER be true? It’s why I strongly encourage you to avoid it because you can’t step into your grieving friend’s shoes. I hope this gives you a new perspective and some food for thought.
The ONLY one Who knows exactly how I feel, and how YOU feel, is God. He is the One to Whom I run for complete understanding, and so can you.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
Psalm 139:1-2
Leave a Reply