I Lost My Processor!

Don’t panic!  Don’t call the Geek Squad!  It’s not my computer processor that I’ve lost.  I don’t really even have one anymore since it’s all in my laptop.

No, the processor I’m talking about is my husband.  One of the things I’m missing a lot lately is the daily “processing” of our lives together.  Most of it was pretty mundane, if I think back on it.  Just the minutiae of living life with someone for over 35 years.

We were blessed to have a relationship that allowed for discussion on pretty much any topic.  So, of course, Dale was my “go to” guy no matter what I needed to talk about.  And, when I shared something I was struggling with, his goal, like most men, was to get it fixed for me.  My goal was for him to listen to me, and maybe feel just a little sorry for me!

He was the first one I wanted to tell when something wonderful happened in my day.  And he would always celebrate and rejoice with me.

I know men say a LOT fewer words in a day than we women, but I was also Dale’s “go to” person when he wanted to share anything good or bad that was going on in his life.  It was just part of the rhythm of our lives together.

I miss that…every day.

Even when he was at the assisted living facility, I still talked to him at least twice a day on the phone, and went to see him almost every day.  Yes, the processor was losing a little of its battery, but it was still there.

I think that trying to find a new normal in my life has shined a light on this emptiness I’m currently struggling with.  Honestly, it’s extremely lonely.  Yes, I talk to my animals (like Dr. Doolittle…), but there’s not much conversation happening.

I do have friends that I process parts of my life with, sometimes on a daily basis, and I’m extremely grateful for that.  Recently, one of those friends was on an extended vacation out of the country in a very weird time zone 😊, with few opportunities to connect.  That was also a very tangible absence.

All of this caused me to take a closer look at what I should be learning through this.  I know God works through our trials, and I’ve learned to expect insights from Him any time a new heartache finds its way into my life.

I found that the lesson God was teaching me here wasn’t a new revelation.  He has tried to teach me this before!  But, how often does it take multiple knocks on our head to get our attention from God!?  I’m grateful for His patience!!

What He has shown me, once again, is that He is my All-Sufficiency.  When I’m sad or lonely or hurting or grieving, my “go to” guy should be God.

One of my favorite verses is from Philippians 4:6-7 which says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

There is so much comfort in this verse, and it’s a great reminder that we can and should take everything that causes us to be anxious or hurting to the God Who knows us better than we know ourselves.  He CAN give us that famous “peace that passes all understanding.”

Yes, He does still bless us with friends and family and Church family who can lift us up during our hard times – and they are from Him – but I must remind myself that God should be where I want to run FIRST.

So, who is your processor?  If you’re married, it’s likely your spouse.  Or it might be a parent or child or best friend.  Someone in your life helps you work through the good and bad of your days.

Just a couple thoughts to ponder here.  As God is trying to teach me, do you find that you go first in prayer to Him?  Or are you processing everything through an earthly relationship?  I have been and continue to be guilty of this, too.

Do you take your processor for granted?  It’s VERY easy to do that.  I’m sure I did that for most of our married lives.  And, let’s face it, not every part of our processing is kind and unselfish and patient and…  Oh no, sometimes processing is just arguing!  So, it’s hard to always appreciate THOSE times.

But I challenge you to look at this part of your life through a lens of gratitude, knowing that someday, you too may lose your processor.

May God ALWAYS be the One you can count on!

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18