Predictable and Unfixable

I was visiting with a friend recently, let’s call him Joe, about an article I posted on the small Christian widow Facebook group that I administer. It was entitled “Loss of a Spouse: 5 Things Only a Widow/er Understands.” There are some great points made in the article that I would consider validation for any widows or widowers out there, and insights for those of you who are not in that club.

I forwarded this article to Joe because he has a heart to understand more fully the unique nature of widowhood.  I want to share the gist of our conversation after he read the article because I think it can inform both the widows and our support group.

We’re only going to address that first main point today which is, It’s a couple’s world.  Indeed, it is!

So here’s a snippet of our text conversation and then we’ll drill down a bit more.

Joe: “How does the first one (couples world) affect you when it comes to hanging out with us (or other couples)?”

Lynne: “I think widows, myself included, are always aware of the couple’s world around us.  And seeing that in any setting is always a little stab to the heart, and another reminder that I’ll never be that couple again.

BUT…for most of us, we don’t want that to keep us from engaging with the people we love.  And I am always grateful when it doesn’t keep someone from including me. And yes, I have great fun with other couples.

It’s just one of the innumerable ways we grieve this loss silently, but expectedly.  Part of the package.”

There’s a wide spectrum of tolerance by widows for this couple’s world so I know I don’t speak for everyone.  Our unique journeys and circumstances dictate where we may land on that spectrum. But based on my own experience, and the countless conversations I’ve had with widows and widowers, I want to share some hopefully insightful advice to both the griever and the supporter.

Advice to the Grieving

Know that you will be continually inundated and bombarded with reminders that you don’t have the other half of your relationship.  Don’t be surprised by those infamous “stabs to the heart” when you see a couple walking down the street holding hands, or when you’re the only one in a group without a partner, or when you’re the only one who arrives and leaves a party alone. 

All of that and more is simply part of the package of being a widow or widower. As long as you remain single, this will follow you around the rest of your earthly life to one degree or another. 

Of course, grieve that to whatever extent seems appropriate to you, but don’t be alarmed by the frequency.

Even those who have remarried can still experience this because that couple they used to be is no more.

Do what’s necessary to protect yourself during the days that are understandably more challenging and sensitive.  For example, in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, I completely avoid scrolling through Facebook.  I don’t go near the card section at the store.  I mute all commercials dealing with the holiday.  Even four years out, my heart can’t handle that barrage.

If you need to put some protective measures in place, don’t apologize for it and don’t feel that you necessarily owe anyone an explanation.  Some things just are.

And finally, choose to engage with the world around you. Accept those invitations even if you know there will be some heartache mixed in.  Don’t be afraid to ask other couples to your house.  It’s a great way to let them know that you’re up for it!  And don’t judge those who don’t yet know how to step into your world.

Advice to the Support System

Being aware of the very real and long-term nature of this “couple heartache” can, at a minimum, give you some insights and compassion for one of our forever griefs.  It likely will impact your conversation with a widow in small and seemingly insignificant ways, but you might be surprised how powerful it is to invite a widow to go with you to an event.  Or to pick her up and take her back home so she isn’t always traveling alone.

Just the simple act of including us in your social world occasionally can help us feel like we are not always an unwanted guest.  It tells us that you’re willing to go down that road with us, and not be scared off by our couple-less-ness.  (No, it’s not really a word, but it’s pretty descriptive!)

Also know that there is virtually nothing you can do to fix this for us.  And more importantly, we don’t expect you to.  How would you go about that anyway?  You’d have to “uncouple” most of the world around us so that we wouldn’t stick out like sore thumbs!  Clearly not a feasible solution and hence the unfixable nature of this.

As cliché as this sounds, appreciate what you have while you have it.  Even with all the disagreements and idiosyncrasies and frustrations that come with living with another sinful human being, recognize the blessings that come with being a couple.  Some day you will understand the truth in this.

Final Exhortation

Asking God to give us a compassionate and servant’s heart, and eyes to see circumstances through the lens of those around us, will always go a long way towards forging mutually beneficial relationships.  That’s a bit of a mouthful, but it’s just another way of stating the Golden Rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.”  God is the only one who can work in all of our hearts to bring more love, and less judgment.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might,

for all endurance and patience with joy.

Colossians 1:11