I have read multiple Facebook posts over the past week or so where moms are being very honest and transparent about how hard it is to take their son or daughter to college.
Intertwined in those posts are some not-so-subtle admonishments for those friends who want to completely replace this legitimate sadness with nothing but joy. “Just focus on what a great adventure this is for him/her.” “This is what you’ve been preparing him/her for all these years.”
In essence, my friends’ posts were saying, “Let me be sad!”
I couldn’t agree more and even commented “Amen” on one of those posts.
It took me immediately to what I teach through this grief ministry. Regardless of what the loss is (and they are endless), there are some principles we should understand if we want to be a kind and compassionate friend.
- We don’t get to decide what constitutes a loss for someone. A loss is anything we can grieve. Death, divorce, job loss or change, retirement, chronic health challenges, disability, moving, friendship changes, sending kids to college or kindergarten. The list is literally endless.
- Validating and/or acknowledging someone’s pain is a gift. This helps them know they aren’t doing this wrong – because it’s easy to wonder if we are.
- Don’t move them through their loss or pain at your pace. Our “quick fix-it”
society isn’t comfortable with someone who is suffering – especially when we don’t even recognize their experience as a legitimate loss. Giving them space to grieve and process the loss is priceless. - Joy and sorrow co-exist in this fallen world. So, those friends with their “joy” comments aren’t completely wrong. The problem is that the person experiencing the loss is the only one who should decide when and how to make room for that joy. It should not be forced on them.
So often we can over-complicate the idea of helping someone through a difficult season. We feel like we don’t have “the gift” or we think they’d rather not talk about it. (Sometimes that’s true, but it shouldn’t be assumed.) Sometimes we even disappear, if the loss is deeper than we know how to handle.
But the principles are basic and anyone with a desire to be a blessing to their friend can learn to do this well. And in the process, you can become the friend they can count on when tough times hit.
Sticking strictly with this college scenario and the moms who are grieving these good-byes, you can say something as simple as, “I know this is hard. Of course you’re going to miss him/her.” Period. Don’t say, “But…”, and then list all the reasons why they shouldn’t be sad.
Let them have their moments. And then let them discover, in their own time, how gratitude and sadness can coexist.
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 17:17
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