“She’s Changed…”

I feel like I’ve spent most of the pandemic writing blog posts associated with the myriad issues that pop up because of it. I’ve also felt a tad guilty about abandoning the mission of my ministry – Be a Blessing to Your Grieving Friend.

But a conversation over coffee last week with a friend of mine, who happens to also be a widow, brought me squarely back into the ministry realm.  We’ll call this friend, Susie, the alias I give to all the friends whose stories I share through my blog!

Susie and I generally cover a broad spectrum of topics when we get together, but we ALWAYS find our way back to the tie that binds us most tightly – our widowhood. We don’t have to explain or defend how we feel about things, because we’ve walked down a similar road.

Susie told me about a lunch she had with a bunch of girlfriends not long after her husband had died quite unexpectedly. As is often the case with us widows, she was struggling not to fall apart in public and had excused herself to head to the little girls’ room. After pulling herself back together, she overhead this comment as she was walking back to the table, “Susie’s changed since her husband died.”

I wanted to stand up and shout a loud, “DUH!!!  Of course she’s changed!  She just lost her husband and soulmate of almost 40 years. Do you really think that loss doesn’t fundamentally and drastically change a person?”

Then I told my inner voice to settle down and take a beat.  And once again I was reminded that not everyone understands the depth of the loss, or the affect it has on our lives FOREVER. So the ministry person in me much more calmly thought, “This is a teaching moment.” 😊

There are SO many ways that we can experience loss in our lives and I’m sure every one of you has something in your past that has caused you pain. And whether you recognize it or not, it changed you. That’s what the ups and downs of this life do to us, either overtly or covertly.

For this post, I want to address those truly deep losses that occur in our lives – loss of spouse, loss of child most notably. I want to speak to those of you who have friends who have experienced these heartbreaking losses.

Your friend is forever changed by the loss. Not by choice, but by the circumstance. There’s very little we can do about that. Oh sure, on the surface we may look very much the same. And we’re likely trying to carry on an “after” life that looks similar to our “before” life. But inside? So much is different.

Now I need to share a difficult truth with you based on my own experience, and what countless widows have told me. If you, like Susie’s friend, think that we are the same people after our devastating loss.  If you want or need us to be that same person. If you don’t want to ever talk about our loss.  If you don’t ask any questions about this new life that we’re living.  If you clearly expect NOTHING to have changed.  Then that’s a friendship that is fundamentally fractured. And honestly, it’s moving away from the “good friend” category and approaching the “acquaintance” category. Or possibly even the “grown apart” category.

As a friend to someone with a deep loss, you have the choice as to how you want to interact with us. And we must accept your choice. But understand that the decision to ignore the new person we’ve become will have consequences for the friendship. If your friendship is ONLY with the person we were before the loss, then you don’t really have that friendship at all. Half of us is gone.

I can tell you it makes me sad; it makes many of my widow friends sad. But it’s just one more example of the heartache we live with on a regular basis. We learn to recreate a life going forward that doesn’t include our loved one.  It’s the most monumental, gut-wrenching undertaking of my life.

What does it look like to acknowledge the new person we’ve become? Either immediately after the loss, or even years later?  Here are some suggestions:

• Don’t hesitate to bring up our loved one in conversations – especially if you can share funny or heartwarming stories. (Caveat – if your friend clearly doesn’t want to talk about this, don’t push it.)
• Does your friend have new interests, hobbies, activities since their loved one passed away? Ask them to share what they’re enjoying about them. Make it a part of your normal conversations with them.
• No matter how many years have passed, certain days will ALWAYS be hard, depending on whom you’ve lost. Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s or Father’s Day, death anniversaries, holidays. Be mindful of these days and consider a phone call or note in the mail to your friend.
• Be our cheerleader once in a while. Grieving a deep loss is exhausting and sometimes we just need someone to recognize the hard work we’re doing.
• Acknowledge the long-term affect the loss has had on us. Specifically, throw some of your expectations out the window and embrace the new person we’ve become. We still desperately need your friendship.
• Don’t disappear. If you do, we may have to assume that ours isn’t a friendship you’re interested in anymore.

I KNOW some of these are hard truths to hear. It is never my intention to be hurtful. But I am called to be honest about how you can best be that blessing we so often talk about. I pray this gives you new insights that can be a comfort to someone who desperately needs you.

I close with one of my favorite scriptures:

A friend loves at all times…

Proverbs 17:17