To be clear, I’m not talking about any kind of physical strength. I’m referring to the statements that are made either directly to us, or about us, in relation to a loss we’ve suffered.
Of course I heard it quite a lot after Dale died. I even had a good friend who disappeared for a couple of months after his death and her reason for not reaching out to me was, “I just thought you were so strong.” Nope. It’s all an illusion.
In the past few weeks, several friends of mine have dealt with some devastating losses. I don’t know what others are saying TO them, but I know what I’m hearing as their situation comes up in some conversations with me. You guessed it. I hear statements such as, “They’re handling this so well.” “They have such a deep faith.” And of course, “They’re so strong.”
I’m not saying that there isn’t truth in those statements, but as the title suggests, there is potential for incorrect assumptions to be made that can ultimately be harmful to the grieving person.
Here are just a few to be aware of:
- They are putting on their best face in public because they’re weary of grieving in front of the whole world. It may be a completely different story when they close their bedroom door at night.
- As Christians, they may feel like the only “appropriate” response to this loss is to display the infamous “joy of the Lord.”
- They could be in the “honeymoon” stage of their grief. I wish I had a better word for it, but I think we all know what that describes. And in the case of my own deep loss, I did feel like I was doing fairly well in those first weeks. In fact, I was surprised by it. I have since come to believe that God doesn’t let the full weight of our loss consume us from Day One. It would be too much. But he mercifully lets the reality seep back into our lives eventually. That’s when I felt the deep impact of this devastating new reality. My pain got worse, not better.
- When you tell a grieving person how strong they are, we tend to try and live up to that expectation of us. That can be exhausting and ultimately not healing for us. In a sense, we’ve lost “permission” to grieve because we’re so strong.
- Whatever the reason for someone appearing strong, I believe one of the greatest dangers is that their support system will indeed believe what they see is true, and will consequently disappear from their lives, or at the very least, step back because they’re doing fine without you. It can result in the grieving person left with minimal support when they likely need it the most.
So what’s my advice? I have some for those of you supporting your friends, and for those of you grieving your deep loss.
To the support system: Don’t believe the strength you see on the surface. Assume that their grief is deeper and longer lasting than you know. Err on the side of standing by them in their grief. Perhaps find a time for a little one-on-one conversation and give them space and permission to share their pain with you.
To the griever: I completely understand the difficulty of grieving publicly and hence the “strong face” we must put on. But I would encourage you to find a few trusted friends or family members who can listen to you process through your pain without judging you for how you’re doing it. Someone who will validate your heartbreak and not congratulate you on your strength. Not only is it okay to grieve deeply, it’s healthy to do so. The Bible doesn’t say we shouldn’t grieve; it says we don’t “grieve as those who have no hope.”
And finally, one last myth to bust. Any strength we appear to have, any deep faith that helps us persevere, any proper perspective we may have about our loss – we didn’t gain them by our own efforts. They are a gift from a gracious and merciful God.
If I’ve learned anything in these last 3+ years, it’s that I am nothing without God upholding me and giving me HIS strength to keep moving forward. I just need to be a willing vessel, open to the outpouring of His power.
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24
Beautifully written and speaks of the hearts of those grieving the loss of a loved one. Family, friends, and acquaintances mean well when they speak or write to one grieving. Grieving folks need a forgiving heart when they feel neglected or the wrong thongs are said. Until you are a grieving person yourself, you simply cannot understand what true grief is and the depth it goes into one’s soul.
Yes, very good insights. We do need to have grace. Thanks for writing!