Do you struggle with making unhealthy comparisons in your life? Let’s face it, SELDOM do we feel better after making a comparison to someone else. I’ve often said that we compare our weaknesses to someone else’s strengths. So how could we ever come out feeling better about that?
And what’s behind this propensity to compare ourselves or our circumstances to others’? I’d like to propose that those reasons fall generally into two camps.
- We want to feel better about ourselves so we look for a comparison that would show us in the best possible light.
- We are feeling sorry for ourselves and want to throw a pity party. “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen…” Consequently, we compare our pitiful situation to someone else who clearly doesn’t have it as badly as we do.
Anybody relate? I certainly can. Neither one of these scenarios is helpful to either party. But it is the subject of this post.
But before I spend most of the time and space on #2 above, I want to share a few very brief, but true statements about #1. In Psalm 139, we are told that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” God has designed each of us in His image – and exactly how He intended us to be. Embrace the uniqueness of who you are in Christ and turn those unhealthy comparisons into glorious celebrations!
As Forrest Gump so eloquently stated –
So now onto the main purpose for this post – talking about the comparisons we make when we want people to feel sorry for us because nothing could be worse than what we’re going through.
More specifically, I’m talking about comparing our losses to someone else’s. I’ve been guilty of it. Because I’m grieving the death of my husband so deeply, I can often feel like few people have hurt as much as I hurt through this. So, I’m speaking these words to myself as much as I am to you, my readers!
Let me throw out some examples of potential comparisons:
- Is it easier if you knew your loved one was dying? Or was it better that you didn’t have to watch them suffer?
- Would you rather lose a child at age 4, or after you’ve spent 30 years with them?
- Is it better to lose your spouse when you’re young and have a chance at happy times ahead? Or is it better to lose them a few years before YOU die so you’ll see them sooner?
- Do you think the loss of your mother is worse than the loss of someone’s grandmother who raised them?
- Is it easier to “get over” a loss of a family member that you had a rocky relationship with? (And subsequently deal with hefty guilt?) Or is it better to lose someone you love dearly?
- Should you be grateful you lost your job while you’re still young enough to find a new one, or is it easier if you lose it a few years before you planned to retire?
- Is a divorce more or less of a heartache than a death?
Perfect situations to use the phrase I’d like to permanently ban, “Well, at least…”
I could go on and on ad nauseum with example after example. I could even come up with some CRAZY comparisons. But here’s the bottom line. Or more accurately, a couple of bottom lines.
IT. DOESN’T. MATTER! What difference does it make if you think your pain is worse than someone else’s? Do you think it lessens theirs because you tell them, “It could be worse. You could be going through what I’M going through.” Nope. Or do you think it makes YOU feel better because you’ve just “out-grieved” someone else? Nope again.
There is virtually nothing to be gained by trying to “one-up” someone else who is suffering a loss. This isn’t a contest. Nobody wins.
Bottom line #2 – You have no idea what their pain feels like. I’ve written about this before, but it’s worth stressing again. EVERYONE’S grief is unique and painful for them at that moment of time, whether they’re grieving a job loss or the death of a child. You don’t know how they feel, and they don’t know how you feel. End of story.
Over the past two years since Dale’s death as friends have shared with me the heartaches they are dealing with, they often say to me, “I know this isn’t as bad as losing a husband.” To which I reply, “My pain doesn’t lessen yours.”
It’s absolutely true. Our grief is real and personal and completely independent from what someone else may be suffering through. Don’t apologize for grieving. And don’t minimize your own pain. Own it. Process it. Cry over it.
And a good reminder for all of us – even if we are suffering, extend compassion and kindness to your friends who are hurting from ANYTHING. Who better to offer a shoulder on which to cry than someone who understands grieving? Be the unselfish friend they need.
Pray for your hurting friend. And while you’re at it, ask God to comfort you in your suffering, too. He understands your pain intimately and His shoulders are big enough for all of us.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:8
Leave a Reply