Word of warning – my blog posts might get a little deeper into the difficulties of this season, but for so many, this is what is needed with Thanksgiving right around the corner and Christmas already knocking on our doors.
As I was walking Daisy today, my mind went to all of my friends who are facing this first holiday season without a cherished family member. It made me pause and say a quick prayer for all of them, knowing what was ahead. It also brought me back to my own experience with those dreaded “first holidays.”
When my dad died unexpectedly on January 1, 1992, I was secretly relieved that I wouldn’t have to experience Christmas without him for nearly a year. And yet, I remember that Christmas like it was yesterday. It was all we could do as a family to hold it together that day. My dad’s absence was HUGE and we were all either in tears, or on the verge of tears the whole day.
Fast forward to the holidays of 2007. My mom died on December 23rd that year and I barely had a Christmas. I called up a dear friend and we spent Christmas afternoon at the movie theater. That holiday season was mostly a blur.
Now add the death of my husband to the losses during the holidays and I often feel like I want to crawl in a hole and stay there until early January. Anyone relate? Hmmm…maybe I should reread last week’s post!
But back to my friends with their losses. I am praying that God would bless them with precious memories of their loved one, and that they can share treasured stories with others who are missing them just as much.
It’s the whole “joy and sorrow co-existing” thing showing up again. Of course, there is sorrow over their losses, but I know how healing it can be to share stories that bring joy and laughter practically in the same breath.
I’d like to pass along a little advice, first to those of you grieving a loss. It doesn’t have to be the first one. Many (most?) of the subsequent holidays can continue to be nearly as difficult.
Just what is it about this holiday season that makes these losses extra hard? In a word – expectations. The world around us is doing its best to make this season all about good cheer and wonderful family time and joyous gift-giving and holding hands while singing Silent Night at the Christmas Eve service. And that’s all fine and dandy if that’s the world you find yourself in. Unless you’re Norman Rockwell himself, I’m pretty sure no one’s holidays measure up to the idyllic standard, even WITHOUT a loss.
Throw a painful loss into the picture and now every lofty expectation has just become a heart wrenching reminder of what you don’t have this season. How can you survive this?
Here’s my top 10 list of suggestions for you:
- Expect Raw Emotions – Know upfront that your emotions will be raw and make no apologies because of it. You’re grieving! You have every right to shed some tears over what you’ve lost.
- Plan Ahead – Close cousin to first suggestion – think ahead to what activities might create emotional ambushes or triggers. It might not take the pain away, but it can minimize some of the surprise. And it can allow you the forethought to decide what NOT to partake in. See #3.
- Don’t Do It All – Give yourself permission to pull back in some areas. Don’t feel like decorating? No problem – stick a pinecone in a plant and call it good. Don’t feel like attending that party? Stay home and eat some chocolate. As much as possible, plan out what you think you can or can’t do.
- Communicate – Let others know that this will be hard for you. Feel free to give them a little guidance on how best to help you. For example, you may have to disappear for a bit from a gathering if it becomes too much. You may have to leave early (drive alone so you can do so.)
- Ask for Help – If it becomes too much, consider talking with a counselor, pastor or trusted friend. Getting your feelings out may give you some release from the holiday grief pressure cooker.
- Rethink Traditions – Decide what traditions you want to keep, which ones are best letting go, and which new ones you might want to add to best honor your loved one. Light a candle, prepare a special meal, have a time of sharing precious stories.
- Take Care of YOU – Take care of yourself physically. Try to get enough sleep, eat as well as possible (not JUST sweet treats) and take a short, brisk walk for some fresh air when you can.
- Bless Others – If you have the energy, consider an activity that helps someone else in need. Ask a trusted friend to join you. There’s something magical about focusing on someone else, even in the midst of our own sorrow. You will likely be as blessed as those you bless.
- Maintain Hope – Hold onto the hope that time will likely take some of the rough edges off your pain. No, you probably won’t look at the holidays the same way again, but you can learn to enjoy them in different ways…eventually.
- Turn to the Great Comforter – Ask God to give you the strength to get through the hard days. Saturate your mind with scripture that reminds you of God’s love and care for you. He IS walking alongside you.
For those of you dreading the upcoming few weeks because of a loss in your life, I hope some of these suggestions will be helpful for you. For those of you with friends or family members who are grieving, be mindful of the extra difficulties they’ll be dealing with. Be kind. Extend grace. Love them through it.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13
Loved this Lynne and love you!!!
Love you back! Prayed for you this morning. 🙂