I recently had the (terrifying) experience of talking about my book, Cultivating Compassion on Iowa Live, a local morning TV program, known in these parts as “The CW – Channel 23.” Actually, the hosts, Lou and Jackie, made it very comfortable and conversational; it was ME who made it terrifying! (You can review it here, if you’re interested.)
We had been discussing some of the more helpful things to do and say, as well as the NOT so helpful things to do and say, to a grieving friend.
Jackie asked, “Is it okay to say, ‘I have no idea what to say to you, but I’m here for you’?” To which I responded, “Yes! That’s perfect.” – much to her relief! She got it perfectly right.
As simple and as short as that statement is, I found myself thinking about why it can often be the perfect – and maybe ONLY – thing to say.
Here’s a little deeper analysis into all the hidden statements behind, “I have no idea what to say to you, but I’m here for you.”
- You are willing to be vulnerable with your friend. Oh, how we’d rather go into these situations knowing EXACTLY what to say (a big myth, by the way), so acknowledging your “cluelessness” and willingness to step into your friend’s pain blindly, in a way, is extremely powerful.
- You put THEIR pain above YOUR discomfort. You’ve just admitted that you have zero idea how to step into this world of theirs. And yet…you do so with a heart that hurts with theirs. You know that on the scales of justice, their grief FAR outweighs your awkwardness in this encounter, and so you step into it.
- You’ve just acknowledged the depth of your friend’s pain. If this was some minor irritation or a common bump along life’s road, you might very easily relate to your hurting friend. Maybe you’ve gone down that road – or can put yourself pretty quickly into their shoes. But THIS loss? It’s deep enough that either you can’t imagine the pain, or you don’t even want to go there and try because you can’t do it justice.
- You understand that your presence is more powerful than your words. Well, even if you don’t actually know that, your statement yells it loudly and clearly. THAT’S the message that comes through to your hurting friend. Recognizing their pain, recognizing your inability to fix it, but being there regardless, says, “I love you and I care about you” better than most words you can utter.
- You haven’t placed limitations on how you’ll help them. Saying, “I’m here for you” leaves it wide open. You didn’t say, “I have no idea what to say to you, but I’ll pray for you…or I’ll bring you some food…or I’ve ordered flowers for the funeral.” And please don’t misunderstand me, those are ALL very good things to do for your friend, and I highly recommend all of them. But, by leaving it WIDE OPEN, – “I’m here for you.” Period. – you’ve essentially told them that you’ll do whatever it takes to be a good friend to them.
Wow! I bet you had no idea all of that was packed into that simple statement, did you? Yep, you said a mouthful!
So, rather than feeling like this statement is completely lame, and will only let your friend know that you have nothing to offer, it does the exact opposite. It hits all the “comfort buttons” that we so desperately need when we’ve just been dealt a devastating blow.
You’ve taken yourself out of the picture, putting your friend and their hurt front and center. And I can’t emphasize strongly enough how powerful and comforting it is to acknowledge the depth of your friend’s pain.
Now, just follow their lead. Listen to them grieve and process. Don’t correct them or judge them. Let them cry. Cry with them. Rinse and repeat. This is not a one-time conversation.
Do you, like Jackie, the morning host, question the acceptability of some of your statements? Do you think there are hidden “statements within the statement?” Maybe good, maybe not so good? Comment below, or send me a private message. I’d love to give you my perspective from this side of a deep loss.
Thanks for sitting through class on this one! I hope you feel just a tad more equipped to help your hurting friend.
Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
Proverbs 6:24
Leave a Reply