I often talk and write about the importance of reaching out to your hurting friend. And the basics I cover are things like:
- Don’t expect your friend to do the reaching out. They’re grieving and some days they can barely get out of bed. So be the person who calls and sets a date. Don’t say, “If you need anything, let me know.”
- Your text message, email, Facebook message, phone call, note in the mail are so appreciated and are INCREDIBLY powerful when done for weeks, months and even years after the loss has occurred.
You’ve likely read or heard those words of advice coming through this ministry.
But, today I want to highlight what I see as a mismatch that ultimately can lead to hurt for your grieving friend.
In the two years since my husband died, I have talked to scores of people who have experienced losses of various kinds. Maybe it was a death, but it could have also been a divorce, or a job loss, or a difficult medical diagnosis. As we all know, there are a LOT of ways to experience loss in this fallen world.
And while I can’t assign an accurate percentage to this, I can say that the large majority of those people I’ve talked with fall into this group – they desperately want and need to hear from their friends during their grief. They would agree whole-heartedly with the purpose of this ministry – teaching people how to bless their grieving friends.
Obviously, I fall into this category. I want my friends to acknowledge my grief. I want them to let me process through this at my own pace. I want them to know that I still hurt every day. I’m not sugar coating the reality of my pain.
But I don’t represent EVERY griever. And that just underscores another point I often make – everyone grieves in their own unique way. We are not to judge that.
Again, no percentage assigned here, but a smaller number of the people I’ve talked with since Dale’s death clearly fall into a second group – they don’t really want you stepping into this process with them. Their pain, and their processing of it, is a very personal, private affair. And because this is so unique, it isn’t even necessary for us to understand why they’ve chosen this route. We just have to let them grieve as they see fit.
So let’s switch gears now and look at the other side of this equation – at the ones doing the actual reaching out.
Unquestionably, the largest percentage of people I encounter through this ministry tell me how very uncomfortable it is for them to step into their friend’s pain. But, honestly, without them, I wouldn’t have a ministry! I have spent the majority of my life in this group, too.
I didn’t want to bother the grieving person. I didn’t want to make things worse. I didn’t want to make them cry. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I assumed they wanted to work this out with their family members. On and on and on went my reasons for NOT reaching out to my hurting friends once the visitation and funeral was over. I had lots of company in this group. You’re likely a member now, or, if you’ve been learning from this ministry, perhaps you’ve “graduated” to the other group.
These are the people who, even IF they’re uncomfortable, step into this hurting friend’s world to let them know how much they care for them and how much they hurt with them. They understand that their discomfort is so very small compared to their friend’s grief and so, into this world they go.
For sake of illustration, let’s assign some broadly accurate percentages to these groups, based on my experience.
GRIEVERS
- Group #1 80% – Want and need their friends to walk with them through their pain
- Group #2 20% – Prefer to process their pain privately
SUPPORTERS
- Group #1 20% – Choose to step into their friends’ pain, regardless of their discomfort
- Group #2 80% – Assume they will only make things worse, and step away from their friends
Do you see the problem? Hence…the title. The “Reaching Out” Mismatch. Clearly the support system is leaving so many grievers without the care and compassion they need.
I’d like to suggest that the grievers are not likely to switch groups. So, if we are to rectify this problem, guess which group needs to adjust? Yep, the support system.
So, my message from this blog post and from the entirety of my ministry is this – for the sake of your hurting friend, please choose to join Support Group #1.
Here’s how you do that –
- Ask God to give you a heart for those who are in pain.
- Tap into the power of the Holy Spirit working through you.
- Step out in faith, trusting that God can and will equip you for this journey.
And if you need help with the “how tos,” stay connected to this ministry. Educating Support Group #2 is the desire of my heart.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Jan Rost says
I appreciate this so much, just recently 2 more friends are on this journey , wondering that comes next, if they will ever be ok again. God has brought them into my life right now, so I am searching for ways to be there for them as they grieve. This is so helpful, many thanks for sharing it. Grief is so personal, we just don’t know until .. .. we know. Blessing Lynne. Jan R.
Lynne Hoeksema says
Thanks so much for your feedback on this, Jan. I’m always grateful to know when anything I share is helpful! Grief is a very tough nut to crack. Glad they have you to walk beside them. If you haven’t gotten the book, it could be a good resource for you as well. Ebook version only $2.99. Blessings to you Jan!