Words of Healing and Hurt

I wrote a blog post a couple of months ago entitled “The Right Words” but it was a little misleading.  I didn’t really give you any “right words” to say.  It was mostly about how powerful and healing it is when someone is willing to just listen to us.

But I did promise in that post that I would eventually share some words that are more helpful than others.  So here is the practical post that you might have been looking for a while back.

First a caveat – I believe that the HEART from which you speak is more important than the WORDS you say. 

That said 😊, some words are more helpful than others and since this is an area that can so often hinder our willingness to step into someone’s pain, I’m happy to pass along what helped me and what didn’t.

At the very heart of these statements (both the helpful ones and the “not-so-much”) is the concept of acknowledging the pain and difficulty of whatever your friend is struggling through.  And just a reminder – they can be struggling through nearly anything!  Not just a death, but sickness or job loss or moving or marital issues or disability or…on and on and on.  There’s really no limit to the number of ways we can suffer in this fallen world.

And while these suggestions may not be a “one size fits all” solution, I continue to be amazed at how universal these sentiments are.  Not only can they be used in so many hurting situations, but I found they were comforting to me from the day of Dale’s death all the way up to…today!  Yep – lots of efficiency here.

So, think about someone in your life who is struggling with anything.  Can you imagine saying any of these things to that friend?

• I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
• I don’t even know what to say to you, but I’m here.
• I can’t imagine how hard this is.
• My heart hurts for you.
• How can I pray for you?
• I’m here for the long haul.

You can?  Great!  Then tuck them away and pull them out the next time you reach out to a hurting friend.

What about statements to avoid?  Almost always these are said with the best of intentions, so you may be surprised by some of these.  I plead guilty to doing pretty much all of these!  But one of the reasons I write through this ministry is to share this new perspective with those who haven’t walked in these shoes.

These are all worthy of their own blog posts, so watch for a more in-depth discussion down the road.  But for now, here are some statements to avoid:

• “Well, at least…”  This minimizes our pain and makes us feel like we shouldn’t hurt so much because at least we have…this.
• “I know exactly how you feel.  I felt like that when…”  No, you don’t.  Everyone’s pain and grief are unique and you run a very real risk of minimizing that pain when you try to compare it to yours.
• “You need to…”  “Move on, stop being sad, start dating, see a doctor about some medication…”  The list is endless!  Be cautious that you don’t step too far into the role of doctor or therapist.  We need to heal at our own pace, not how you envision it.
• “If you need anything, let me know.” Are you surprised by this?  I was surprised by how it made me feel.  Again, absolute best of intentions.  But it can become overwhelming when we hear this a lot, which we do.  And rarely do we have the strength to reach out.  So, be the friend that calls up and offers dinner, coffee, a movie, help with the kids, going through the loved one’s clothes, something tangible.  Ask God to guide you to just the right help you can offer.

I hope this is helpful for you.  It can be very simple.  Acknowledge their pain and don’t take on the job of moving them through it.  That’s God’s!

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12